Monday, December 26, 2011

He Ain't Heavy; He's My Effigy

All entrepreneurs know that the formula for financial success is to “see a need, fill the need,” and by financial success I mean the making of so much money that you have to carry the cash around in metal buckets—with two hands. So here’s my business plan for a hot new start up company and don’t try to copy me.  I’ll sue.  I’m an American. I know lawyers. Well, I know of lawyers.

Okay, I’ve seen lawyers on TV.

After watching Greece, France, England, and large chunks of pretty much everywhere else riot their way through 2011, I recognized the need for a company that can provide realistic and anatomically correct effigies for improved public displays of righteous vexation and discontent—through burning.

Note:  Effigy is a fancy word for a stuffed dummy constructed primarily of dryer lint for ease of burning during public displays of righteous vexation.

I’ve called the new company Burn Big Dummy Burn, Incorporated, and I’m insisting that my family work in the factory, without pay, to keep costs down and profits high; I prefer to call them “my little dummy stuffing monkeys” rather than slaves. The Effigy Engineering Division is already in full production out in the garage—where all global mega-conglomerates begin.

Are you as tired as we are of watching a couple thousand of your fellow, global citizens whipping each other into a frenzied mob only to realize that their effigy stuffing committee forgot to bring the effigy? Or worse, the committee shows up with a dummy that looks like a pair of Granny’s panty hose stuffed with Kleenex.

Our company motto:  “Burn one of our dummies and no one will think that you’re torqued off at your garbage or Billy-Boy’s laundry; they’ll know exactly who you just reduced to ash.”

We at Burn Big Dummy Burn are continually shocked by the poor quality of the effigies we see burning on cable news. Those things don’t look like bad scarecrows, let alone recognizable international greed mongering leaders. We make it our business to keep poor planning and execution on the part of your “dummy stuffing committee” from putting a damper on your mob’s righteous rage.

We’re offering (at a reasonable price) effigies with both recognizable features and accurate cultural attire. You want to burn a government official in effigy, and we want you to. Just give us a name, and we’ll Google a face.

For a few cents more, your personalized effigy will come pre-soaked in the highest grade lighter fluid known to mankind for the flashiest, most dramatic flames possible outside of space exploration. We recognize that there’s nothing worse than a dummy that refuses to go up like a third rate re-make of “The Towering Inferno.” Don’t let your mob’s murderous hate fizzle.

In addition, our gorgeous effigies come with a dozen complimentary sticks, because we recognize that a lot of our clients enjoy beating their stuffed dummies senseless with sticks before they torch ‘em. Here at Burn Big Dummy Burn we know what gets your mob hopping mad and keeps your mob hopping mad.

Our expansion plans include the mass production of highly flammable flags, icons, posters, placards, and symbols. Why burn one flag when you can burn thousands? Of course, we’ll have group discounts for our very best repeat rioters. And you know who you are.

Your foaming, spitting, rock tossing protesters can count on us to be discrete, efficient, and prompt. We understand how tricky planning “spontaneous demonstrations” of anarchy can be, and for our international clientele it’s easy to place your orders 24/7 at our website: <>

Remember! Our mission statement:  You plan the snarling hate filled demonstrations, public conflagrations, and window smashing brick chucking, and we’ll take care of the details.

Complimentary bricks included with your first order!!!!!  Act now!!!!!!!


Linda L. Zern (Entrepreneur, Small Business Owner, President, Whip Cracking Overlord, and CEO of Burn Big Dummy Burn, Inc.)

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