I go to college. I am a student
of higher education. I have a book bag from Gap, a map of my college
campus, and for seventy dollars per year they let me park in the parking
garage.
I pay, no—strike that—my husband
pays an exorbitant amount of money for me to go to a private college with an
excellent reputation and a parking garage. When I say exorbitant, I mean
stupid. My husband forks over stupid amounts of money for my education.
Why?
Because I sleep with him. That’s
why.
Oh, you mean—me. Why do I go to
college?
I go to college because when I’m
done I’ll be able to get a good job working for an evil corporation that will
suck my life’s blood like a giant tick, thus turning me into an empty,
fluttering sack of desiccated skin stuff, while that very corporation crushes
the “average, regular American” under its evil feet like Godzilla stomping
Tokyo.
I am an English major. Can you
tell?
Thus we come to the crux of the
higher education dilemma.
Parents, or in my case, a sugar
daddy, spend stupid amounts of money so that students of higher education can
go to school where they are told, often and emphatically by famous authors that
CEO’s making stupid amounts of money are both greedy and practicing the moral
equivalent of beating up five-year olds for their Halloween candy. Note: These famous authors never GIVE their
books away but always take CHECKS OR CASH for their books.
The students who listen to these
famous authors are then encouraged to graduate, with honors, so they can make stupid
amounts of money, which is cool as long as said students donate stupid amounts
of that greed money back to their colleges.
It’s called the alumni
association.
Higher education is like one of
those Chinese finger traps, where you stick your fingers in a tube of cheap,
brightly colored paper and pull. The harder you pull, the higher your tuition
will go.
I’ve fooled everyone and
outsmarted the evil Tokyo stomping corporations. I never plan to graduate or
get a “real” job.
For thirty years, I’ve listened
to folks whine about: their rotten bosses, their rotten jobs, their mind
numbing work related responsibilities, their crap salaries, their crap
retirement, their idiotic co-workers, and lest we forget—the crap evil
corporations which crush us all by importing Chinese finger traps from China,
forcing us to buy them with their clever marketing ploys which they learned how
to do by hiring COLLEGE GRADUATES WITH DEGREES IN MARKETING.
End the proliferation of evil
corporations now! Don’t go to college! Be a stay at home mom and paint the
baseboards! Because that’s as NON-PROFIT as it gets.
Bang a drum in a public park and
demand to be paid the same amount of money as, oh let’s go crazy here and say,
a lawyer.
Because if there’s one thing
I’ve learned as a student of higher education it’s that societies can never
have too many lawyers or too many drum bangers or too many graduates with
student debt greater than the average cost of a Hollywood mansion . . .
And don’t forget that we can
never have too many kiosks at the mall selling Chinese finger traps imported
from China where they shoot the factory manager when the Ministry of
Embarrassment finds out he’s been using cheap, lead based inks and dyes to cut
corners and pocket the difference.
Linda (Will Work for Free) Zern
