For example, Omen Number One: As I stood on the back porch eating a bowl of Rice Puffy Junk, I froze, spoon halfway to my gaping mouth. Why? Because my neighbor’s donkey trotted by, wearing a twelve-foot galvanized gate around its neck. That’s why. I knew immediately what I was looking at; an omen, it was a deep, dark, disturbing, donkey wearing gate omen.
As most of us know, donkeys are best known for the parts they play in live nativity scenes and political cartoons, and a gate is symbolic for being the place where people hang signs that say happy and inviting things like Warning—Attack Dogs Trained by Germans. Clearly, the omen of a donkey wearing a twelve-foot gate around its neck was trying to prepare me for the invasion of Saint Cloud by German dog trainers.
I finished my bowl of Rice Puffy Junk.
Omen number two manifested itself in the form of a bird (variety unknown, it all happened pretty fast) that flew into my truck’s side-view mirror. The impact was grisly. I can’t talk about it, but it was like an episode of “Wives With Knives.”
Obviously, this portent was a warning to avoid air travel and eating fried chicken livers. (I love fried chicken livers but a portent is a portent.)
The final sign is that my ears have started to flush red and heat up, usually while watching press conferences, man-on-the-street style interviews, and election projections. I’m pretty sure that hot-ear-syndrome is a sign of possible drone surveillance or apoplexy. Therefore, I’m stepping up my order of dehydrated green peppers and powdered eggs; clearly weird times are coming when donkeys wear gate necklaces and birds explode willy, nilly.
Stay alert—omens, portents, and signs are on the rise. Stay frosty out there; we’re all in strung out shape.
Linda (Chicken Liver) Zern
