Wednesday, May 13, 2015


As our day (as in ‘the day of the dinosaur’ or the ‘last days’ or ‘The Days of Our Lives’) darkens all around us, and the world devolves into a spinning orb of nuttiness, I believe we should actively be looking for signs, omens, and portents.

For example, Omen Number One: As I stood on the back porch eating a bowl of Rice Puffy Junk, I froze, spoon halfway to my gaping mouth. Why? Because my neighbor’s donkey trotted by, wearing a twelve-foot galvanized gate around its neck. That’s why. I knew immediately what I was looking at; an omen, it was a deep, dark, disturbing, donkey wearing gate omen.

As most of us know, donkeys are best known for the parts they play in live nativity scenes and political cartoons, and a gate is symbolic for being the place where people hang signs that say happy and inviting things like Warning—Attack Dogs Trained by Germans. Clearly, the omen of a donkey wearing a twelve-foot gate around its neck was trying to prepare me for the invasion of Saint Cloud by German dog trainers.

I finished my bowl of Rice Puffy Junk.

Omen number two manifested itself in the form of a bird (variety unknown, it all happened pretty fast) that flew into my truck’s side-view mirror. The impact was grisly. I can’t talk about it, but it was like an episode of “Wives With Knives.” 

Obviously, this portent was a warning to avoid air travel and eating fried chicken livers. (I love fried chicken livers but a portent is a portent.)

The final sign is that my ears have started to flush red and heat up, usually while watching press conferences, man-on-the-street style interviews, and election projections. I’m pretty sure that hot-ear-syndrome is a sign of possible drone surveillance or apoplexy. Therefore, I’m stepping up my order of dehydrated green peppers and powdered eggs; clearly weird times are coming when donkeys wear gate necklaces and birds explode willy, nilly. 

Stay alert—omens, portents, and signs are on the rise. Stay frosty out there; we’re all in strung out shape.

Linda (Chicken Liver) Zern 

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