All
entrepreneurs know that the formula for financial success is to “see a need, fill
the need,” and by financial success I mean the making of so much money that you
have to carry the cash around in metal buckets—with two hands. So here’s my
business plan for a hot new start up company and don’t try to copy me.
I’ll sue. I’m an American. I know lawyers. Well, I know of lawyers.
Okay,
I’ve seen lawyers on TV.
After
watching Greece, France, England, and large chunks of pretty much everywhere
else riot their way through 2011, I recognized the need for a company that can
provide realistic and anatomically correct effigies for improved public
displays of righteous vexation and discontent—through burning.
Note:
Effigy is a fancy word for a stuffed dummy constructed primarily of dryer lint
for ease of burning during public displays of righteous vexation.
I’ve
called the new company Burn Big Dummy Burn, Incorporated, and I’m insisting that my family work in the factory, without pay, to
keep costs down and profits high; I prefer to call them “my little dummy
stuffing monkeys” rather than slaves. The Effigy Engineering Division is
already in full production out in the garage—where all global
mega-conglomerates begin.
Are you
as tired as we are of watching a couple thousand of your fellow, global
citizens whipping each other into a frenzied mob only to realize that their
effigy stuffing committee forgot to bring the effigy? Or worse, the committee
shows up with a dummy that looks like a pair of Granny’s panty hose stuffed
with Kleenex.
Our
company motto: “Burn one of our dummies and no one will think that you’re
torqued off at your garbage or Billy-Boy’s laundry; they’ll know exactly who
you just reduced to ash.”
We at Burn Big Dummy Burn are continually shocked by the poor quality
of the effigies we see burning on cable news. Those things don’t look like bad
scarecrows, let alone recognizable international greed mongering leaders. We
make it our business to keep poor planning and execution on the part of your
“dummy stuffing committee” from putting a damper on your mob’s righteous rage.
We’re
offering (at a reasonable price) effigies with both recognizable features and
accurate cultural attire. You want to burn a government official in effigy, and
we want you to. Just give us a name, and we’ll Google a face.
For a
few cents more, your personalized effigy will come pre-soaked in the highest
grade lighter fluid known to mankind for the flashiest, most dramatic flames
possible outside of space exploration. We recognize that there’s nothing worse
than a dummy that refuses to go up like a third rate re-make of “The Towering
Inferno.” Don’t let your mob’s murderous hate fizzle.
In
addition, our gorgeous effigies come with a dozen complimentary sticks, because
we recognize that a lot of our clients enjoy beating their stuffed dummies
senseless with sticks before they torch ‘em. Here at Burn Big Dummy Burn we know what gets your mob hopping mad and keeps your mob
hopping mad.
Our
expansion plans include the mass production of highly flammable flags, icons,
posters, placards, and symbols. Why burn one flag when you can burn thousands?
Of course, we’ll have group discounts for our very best repeat rioters. And you
know who you are.
Your
foaming, spitting, rock tossing protesters can count on us to be discrete,
efficient, and prompt. We understand how tricky planning “spontaneous
demonstrations” of anarchy can be, and for our international clientele it’s
easy to place your orders 24/7 at our website: <www.WhotheheckisGUYFAWKESanyway.com>
Remember!
Our mission statement: You plan the snarling hate filled demonstrations,
public conflagrations, and window smashing brick chucking, and we’ll take care
of the details.
Complimentary
bricks included with your first order!!!!! Act now!!!!!!!
Sincerely,
Linda L.
Zern (Entrepreneur, Small Business Owner, President, Whip Cracking Overlord,
and CEO of Burn Big
Dummy Burn, Inc.)
