Thursday, June 4, 2015

Lists to Love

Bloggers know that readers love lists: ten favorite movies; eight best ways to watch your ten favorite movies; twelve best snacks to eat while watching your ten favorite movies in your third snazziest pajamas. You know. Lists. 

Some of my favorite lists are 1) Lists about pet peeves 2) Lists about people who make lists and 3) Lists of favorite . . . colors, foods, names, smells, movies, books, snacks, games, dogs, cats, vacations . . . you know, everything.

So, let’s make some lists. Shall we?

Favorite come-on lines that my husband has been using on me since we started dating in high school: 1) Let’s get it on. 2) Let’s get in on in my Chevy van. 3) Want to get it on before the kids get here?

My three best responses to my husband’s favorite come-on lines: 1) No! 2) You don’t have a Chevy van and no! And 3) Are you crazy?

Five top signs that you are living with Visigoths. 1) There are sticks and stones in the microwave. 2) There’s more sand in the living room than the barn. 3) You find small children asleep under bushes and hedges. 4) Butting heads with a goat is considered a recreational activity. 5) Underwear is considered outerwear.

Seven things that make me sad: 1) Dead light bulbs. 2) Sticks and stones in my microwave. 3) When my husband says he’s, “Ready to go” and he really means, “Get in the truck and try not to die of heatstroke, while I check every window, door, lock, and light bulb.” 4) Liars. 5) People who live in cities—where they sit in apartments listening to each other’s poop slide through the walls—who try to tell people who live in the the country the right way to live and be happy. 6) City mice. 7) Corrupt city mice that live in Washington D. C. 

Favorite authors: 1) Shirley Jackson 2) C. S. Lewis 3) Ray Bradbury 4) Ayn Rand 5) Harper Lee 6) Charles Portis 7) Richard Powell 8) Pat Frank 9) Oh, so very, very many . . .

Top Five Regrets: 1) That I’m too small to pick up tree trunks 2) That big and strong is wasted on a lot of people 3) That I can’t fly 4) That I can’t make other people fly 5) That I can’t brainwash people, even though I’ve been accused of being able to brainwash people.

Most favorite colors: 1) Glitter. That’s it. It’s a short list.

And so the list making goes on your top blogs, saving us from having to read real long sentences with complicated punctuation.

Linda (Listless) Zern 
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