Friday, September 4, 2015

Social Media Code Smack

When I was a girl, the phone sat in one place on the kitchen counter. It did not hitch rides in our pants. It did not display text messages from the bug man. It did not beep, bleep, blink, or monitor heart rates. It was a simpler time.

Now, there is social media and people talking smack in tech shorthand. 

It’s like drowning in Babylonian graffiti. 

I have absolutely no idea what is going on. 

“You have to be on Twitter,” my kids said. 

“I am on Twitter. Haven’t you friended me?”

They didn’t even have the good manners to look uncomfortable.

“I don’t get Twitter,” I #complained.

They didn’t even have the good manners to hide their #scoffing.

“Seriously. What are those weirdo messages? I can’t understand anything on Twitter. I mean what is #Xtl #blog #skip amc long $25.00 #skip #to #my #Lou supposed to be about? What happened to subjects and predicates? What happened to #language.”

They didn’t even have the good manners to look up from their blinking machines. I’d lost them down those LCD rabbit holes. I sighed.

Daughter #2 (that means number not a hash-tag) looked up from her machine to say, “Mom, you really need to be on Instagram. It’s the latest thing. It’s like Twitter but with pictures.”

“What? You mean picture writing like on the walls of an ancient temple?”

The green glow of her computer screen highlighted her cheekbones. She scrolled away, presumably on Instagram. 

It’s okay. I’ll keep trying, to connect, to decipher, to find the Rosetta Stone of social media shorthand. That’s what I keep telling myself. But then I check my Facebook page and see a message that says, “The stump is healing nicely.”

Whaaaaaaaat????????? What stump? Which limb? Who’s body parts? Huh?

Linda (Hash-Tag Harpy) Zern

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