Secrets of a Relapsed
Shoe Shopper
Or
How to Think in Circles
Being a girl beats being a sharp stick in the eye.
I love being a girl. I love dressing up and makeup and
hairdos and having long eyelashes. That’s how you know you’re a girl, if you
have long eyelashes, but everyone knows that.
Being a girl beats being someone who has to wear ugly shoes.
Have you seen boy shoes? Plain. Flat. Cloned. Cow. Flesh. There, now you’ve
seen boy shoes.
I love being a girl, because the shoes are “too cha-cha for
words.” Except that I’m not supposed to love shoes, because it’s wrong and vain
and superficial and materialistic and . . . I only have two feet and . . .what
do I need all those shoes for, and if God had wanted me to have 100 pairs of shoes He
would have made me a centipede . . . and . . .
So I went on the NO shoe-shopping wagon for months and
months, but no one told me what a good job I was doing NOT buying shoes. In
fact, no one mentioned my NOT buying shoes at all. It was highly
anti-gratifying and kind of sad when no one sends me anything in the mail
except the county, making sure that I know the government is trying to knock
down every tree between my house and Macy’s.
So then I overpaid the Macy’s credit card by a bit. What? It
happens. Besides, I really don’t eat very much so I must have sent the food
money to Macy’s department store, by accident.
But then I realized that no one had patted my head and told
me what a good girl I’d been for NOT buying shoes, and since I wasn’t
comfortable with Macy’s having all of my food money in the form of a credit,
and then there was this amazing spring shoe sale . . .
So I bought four pair of shoes to eat up the credit on my
account, but I went over by a couple of bucks, and now I owe Macy’s money for
shoes, and that’s how I fell off the NO shoe-shopping wagon and landed on my
feet, wearing a dynamite pair of Easter floral pumps.
Linda (Too Cha-Cha for Words) Zern
