Sunday, April 8, 2012

Happy Easter Shoes

Secrets of a Relapsed Shoe Shopper
 How to Think in Circles

Being a girl beats being a sharp stick in the eye.

I love being a girl. I love dressing up and makeup and hairdos and having long eyelashes. That’s how you know you’re a girl, if you have long eyelashes, but everyone knows that.

Being a girl beats being someone who has to wear ugly shoes. Have you seen boy shoes? Plain. Flat. Cloned. Cow. Flesh. There, now you’ve seen boy shoes.

I love being a girl, because the shoes are “too cha-cha for words.” Except that I’m not supposed to love shoes, because it’s wrong and vain and superficial and materialistic and . . . I only have two feet and . . .what do I need all those shoes for, and if God had wanted me to have 100 pairs of shoes He would have made me a centipede . . . and . . . 

So I went on the NO shoe-shopping wagon for months and months, but no one told me what a good job I was doing NOT buying shoes. In fact, no one mentioned my NOT buying shoes at all. It was highly anti-gratifying and kind of sad when no one sends me anything in the mail except the county, making sure that I know the government is trying to knock down every tree between my house and Macy’s.

So then I overpaid the Macy’s credit card by a bit. What? It happens. Besides, I really don’t eat very much so I must have sent the food money to Macy’s department store, by accident.

But then I realized that no one had patted my head and told me what a good girl I’d been for NOT buying shoes, and since I wasn’t comfortable with Macy’s having all of my food money in the form of a credit, and then there was this amazing spring shoe sale . . .

So I bought four pair of shoes to eat up the credit on my account, but I went over by a couple of bucks, and now I owe Macy’s money for shoes, and that’s how I fell off the NO shoe-shopping wagon and landed on my feet, wearing a dynamite pair of Easter floral pumps.

Linda (Too Cha-Cha for Words) Zern         

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