I
believe in tests. I believe in the ability of tests to test things: knowledge;
expertise; the amount of time spent cramming for tests.
Heck,
isn’t life the biggest test of all? All these amazing choices and you picked
what? That?
Quick!
Here’s a test. Look at your walls. What’s hanging on them? That’s probably what
you love. Oops, I just looked and realized that there are three ragged nail
holes and some clipboards adorning my bedroom walls. I don’t love nail holes or
clipboards. This particular test may need some fine-tuning.
Still,
tests are good, and husband tests are the best tests of all. I have been
administering gorilla pop quizzes and tests on my husband for thirty plus
years. Results have been mixed.
While
walking a Cocoa Beach boardwalk, my husband and I passed several svelte, nubile
bikini clad girls. When I say ‘svelte’ I mean their outlines resembled all the
curvy letters in the alphabet melted into an hourglass.
Time
for husband pop quiz # 34,789 . . .
“Holy
curvy girl, Batman, did you see those teenagers?” I asked, watching his face
carefully for test anxiety. He was clueless.
“Ummmm?”
he said, in his best pre-test uncertainty.
“Those
girls.” I waved vaguely at their disappearing va-va-voomage. “I didn’t look
like that when I was like that.”
“That’s
true,” he said. “You didn’t look like that.”
“Really?”
I stopped dead in my tracks.
“That
was a test and you failed and wouldn’t you rather wait for the multi-choice
answers? For example, A) No, you
did NOT look like those girls; you looked like a woman. My woman. Come here,
woman! B) What girls? C) Those weren’t girls. They were
bewitched Barbie dolls, or D) May my eyes explode if I ever look at another
female in a bikini . . . and/or . . . clothes again.”
“Ummm,
all of the above?”
“Good
answer.”
He
sighed.
“Don’t
feel bad, Babe. There’s always extra credit.”
He
smiled. We walked on.
Truthfully,
I never did look like those girls. I looked like a boney boy or, maybe, a box
with the words THIS END UP stenciled on my forehead. That’s how I know that my
husband married me for reasons other than my girlish figure. I believe he
married me for my ability to craft fascinating test questions, my penchant for
wearing ‘Sweet Honesty’ perfume and pink t-shirts, and for having excellent calf
muscles and skinny ankles.
That’s
true love that stands the test of time.
Linda
(Advanced Placement) Zern
