When I’m asked on an application about my profession I
always fill in writer/author/illustrator and
Dazzle Queen of the Universe. No one
ever comments. I’m not sure anyone reads anything these days, especially
applications. Even so, I still
keep writing, because like it says on those applications I am a writer, and
real writers write, regardless of what the universe is or is not reading.
If I’m ever invited to discuss my creative process I know
exactly the kind of advice I’m going to share with other budding wordsmiths.
Ditch
the Bra: Writing is a sedentary process, preformed while sitting in
a chair or, in my case, while sitting in bed. Either way you’ll spend your day
almost bent in half and will probably, at some point, slip into a much worse if
not retched posture. And when the story really gets cooking you may wind up
hunched over the keyboard like a deflated balloon. Save yourself time, pain,
and distraction and take your bra off before it cuts you in half.
Weed
the Garden: Typing is
stressful and repetitive. Fingers get tired, stiff, and lumpy. Pulling weeds is
a low cost exercise that strengthens typing fingers. It does not require
special gym equipment or a personal trainer. Fresh, outside air will blow out
all the pointless adverbs and metaphors and the weeding will build finger
muscles. The corn will thank you. It’s a win-win.
Know
Your Writing History: As far as I can tell the best place to write a book
is in prison: there’s plenty of personal time, distractions are low, and the atmosphere
is full of dramatic tension. Get arrested. Absolutely tons of books have been
written in prison. If you behave, you may be allowed to work in the prison
garden, pulling weeds. See above.
Exercise
Your Butt: While in prison do a lot of squats and dolphin kicks,
otherwise your butt is going to spread and start to resemble the front seat of
a minivan from all that sitting and writing. And it’s going to feel like you
have two cement blocks taped to your tailbone. Trust me on this.
Shop
Quick: If you aren’t lucky enough to be in prison and have to
write on a laptop in your bed make sure that you register on your favorite
on-line shopping site so that you don’t have to waste time filling out a lot of
applications, and you can buy stuff with one click. You’re going to shop; let’s
be honest. Just shop quick, that’s all I’m saying.
This is a preliminary outline I’ve been working on for when
I’m asked to speak at retirement homes and special school assemblies all over
Osceola county, because I’m able to fill in the “What’s your profession” blank
with FAMOUS writer/author/illustrator and
Dazzle Queen of the Universe.
Linda (Dazzle Queen) Zern
