Book of Zern - Chapter Umpteenth

1  In the year in which common courtesy didst die and the people didst make much of their “Angry Birds” and their “Farm-Villes" saying, “Just a minute whilst I dost harvest my pumpkins,” I didst continue the record of my people.  

2  And in that selfsame year, I didst curse the harvesting of the imaginary pumpkins saying, “All ye that do virtually that which they do not care to do physically needs must repent or be smitten by the wrath of mine tongue.”

3  And they didst reject all mine words, being much taken with their Apps, and while they were thus engaged with their faux pumpkin growing, I didst watch and make note of all that didst happen.

4  Now the year of 2011 was on this wise: Sherwood the Mighty Hunter didst go forth to Detroit to collect the shekels that were his due, both for the support of his tribe and the blessing of others. And he didst consider himself rich both in flocks and fields and children and grandchildren. And he didst prosper in the land of Saint Cloud, wishing neither to covet or be coveted upon.

5  And I, even the Ya Ya, didst continue in that which I did begin, saying, Yea have I not come to be that which all doth desire to be in our land? Both unemployed and fed like unto Elijah the Tishbite when he wast fed by the ravens that were sent forth by the hand of God? And I doth make an answer—Yea, Yea, I sayeth, I am most blessed in that I am fed by ravens—also Sherwood the Mighty Hunter, and all mine needs met by both he, who is mine husband, and by UPS.

6  And the elder son of our tribe didst return once more from the land of the heathen and didst set up camp in the lands round about and didst make his home at Fort Campbell. There he didst work most earnestly both protecting the Colonel and overseeing the warriors and finding out that which is to be found out concerning weapons of war. And in all this didst he pray most earnestly for peace in the lands round about.

7  And Heather, Maren, and Adam (with their husbands and wife) didst bring forth much children and didst spend their days commencing the work of the Lord, even the work of Eternal Life, in that they did teacheth to their children that which the world could not understandeth, no, nor comprehendeth! And they did live after the manner of happiness,

8  Excepting when the parents were harvesting of their crops on Farm-Ville. Then they did ignoreth the rising generation, excepting to say, “Why doth that kid haveth no pants on?”

9  And all this was done that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the Ya Ya when she sayeth, “Cometh on over. There are leftovers yet to eat.”

10  And they didst eat of the fat of the land and laughed oft and didst watch the Heavens diligently for the signs of that great and terrible day which was to come when all their children, yea all, were trained, yea trained to go in the potty and not behindeth a tree, in their pants, or on the dog.

11  And I maketh an end. May the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob bless thee and keep thee in the lands of thy own inheritance this Christmas season and in all seasons of the years, excepting if this year which is to come, even 2012, be the last year then may the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob buildeth thee a bunker, well stocked with Vienna sausage. Amen.