Monday, October 11, 2010

My Annual, Semi-Yearly, Bicentennial Disclaimer

I’ve spent the last two hours goofing around on the Internet, and I noticed that **real authors have a page on their websites called FAQ. I believe this may stand for Formal Advanced Quizzes, Forces Against Quips, or Frequently Asked Question. Because I am an author and a writer, this disclaimer will be written in the form of a FAQ.

Q: Are your weekly “essays” fiction, non-fiction, or creative non-fiction?

A: Yes!

RA (Real Answer): I would call my weekly postings creative non-fiction, which is the truth dressed up to go to a party in a paper dress.

Q: Isn’t your family tired of having their every wart and ear hair examined in public and chortled over by tens of dozens of your fans via your writing?

A: Yes!

RA: Not at all, as long as I pay them a dollar every time I mention their names.

Q: How long have you been scribbling your thoughts down in written form?

RA: For as long as I’ve had thoughts—eleven years.

Q: Tell us a little about yourself and who would play you in the movie?

RA: I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL YAYA to Zoe, Conner, Emma, Sadie, Kipling, Zachary, and Reagan. Debbie Reynolds should play me in the movie if she had been born after me, instead of before me.

Q: What’s the worst thing about being a writer?

A: Yes!

RA: Sitting on my butt for hours and hours and hours. Writing is fun for my brain. ***Zumba is fun for my butt.

Q: What’s been the strangest feedback on your work?

A: My sister-in-law holding my first manuscript in her hands said, “That’s a lot of words.” She refused to read it. And a young man recently questioned my use of a llama in my crime fiction story.

RA: I don’t have a llama in my crime fiction story.

Q: Can we be done?

A: Yes!

Sincerely, Linda (Llama Lover) Zern

**Real authors are just writers whose words come conveniently wrapped inside the covers of a book, otherwise they’re still just writers.

***Zumba is a Latin based exercise requiring the excessive and repeated use of one’s butt and hips. I’m the best one in my class. No really, I am.

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