Thursday, September 30, 2010

Barnacle Babe

Barnacle Babe

I’ve learned two important facts in my creative fiction writing class. I’m an idiot, and all my favorite authors are dead. When did that happen? About the dead author part, it’s possible I’ve always been an idiot.

It’s a strange paradox of life that by the time you have something interesting to say, you’re half way to dead and other weird stuff starts happening to you. For example:

(Unexplained Hair Loss) – Parts of my face have started to disappear. My eyebrows are missing. I have to draw my eyebrows on my head with a stencil and a crayon. If I don’t draw eyebrows on my head I look like Queen Elizabeth (not this Queen Elizabeth but that other Queen Elizabeth with no eyebrows.)

(Excess Face) – Not only are my eyebrows missing but when I bend over to pick up my eyebrow crayon, my face slides off my skull bones. It’s creepy. I’ve never had so much excess face. I used to be able to hang upside down on the monkey bars for a long time and my chins never fell over my eyes, blinding me.

(Unexplained Hair Growth) – I don’t want to talk about, but just remember that we all get hairy in the end.

(Memory Loss) – I can’t remember the color of my hair. I know it’s not the color of the girl’s hair on the box. But what color is it? What kind of person can’t remember the color of their own hair?

(Barnacle Growth) – I get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, “What the heck is that growing on my head/neck/chest/eyelid/entire body? It wasn’t there yesterday, and where are my eyebrows?”

(Smart Aleck Doctor’s Comments) – “Oh don’t worry about that bump, lump, mound, or pimple. It’s a barnacle. You’ve been in the water too long.”

(Clock Confusion) – I’ve started to go to bed before the chickens but not to sleep. It’s so people can’t find me, and I can write down all the interesting things I have to say, after having lived long enough to actually have something interesting to say.

According to my creative writing teacher, “If you aren’t writing to make money you’re an idiot.” That makes me an idiot with barnacles and no eyebrows. Could be time to dry dock.

Linda (High Tide) Zern

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