Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Bad Day in Duck Town


“I drowned one of the ducks.”

It’s never a good sign when you start out the day by drowning an aquatic bird.

What? I didn’t do it. Sherwood, my husband and boyfriend of thirty plus years, did.

But it’s my fault.

I told him what to do, just not often enough or clearly enough or slowly enough or enough. 

When I noticed that our four new ducklings ($3.99 at Tractor Supply) were starting to walk like Quasimodo, I jumped on the Internet, typed in “ducks lurching about like a character in a French novel”, eavesdropped on several duck blogs, and learned that ducklings being raised in giant rubber buckets occasionally fail to develop proper leg strength. Therapy to develop proper duck muscles included thirty minutes per day of swimming about in water of a sufficient depth.

That’s what I told my husband. Thirty minutes.

NOT – place ducklings in bucket of water and leave, until one drowns, remove remaining ducklings. Confess.

When he confessed what had happened, I said, “You don’t listen.”

He said, “Oh, I listen. I just don’t hear you.”

In truth, Sherwood felt horrible about the accidently drowning. Especially in light of the fact that he’s been working on a state of the art duck pen, complete with antique iron tub and surrounding concrete decking. He’s been working on the duck pen for about a year, because his first duck construction efforts resembled the work of a drunken computer programmer and my husband, a computer programmer, doesn’t drink.

Raising baby ducks has a learning curve like everything else, and duck farming ain’t for sissies. But like all learning curves it’s extremely helpful if hearing and listening become part of the duck therapy experience, before . . .

. . . somebody has to die.

Linda (Duck Out) Zern





 
   



Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Side Show


Our assignment for Creative Writing: Make a list that eventually tells a story . . . 



E.J., Nicole, Rafe, and Sami Talk

Barry finds an old pair of boxers

Vincent attempts to convince the world he’s legally insane


BABY BORN TWICE


Contestants dive into foam

Matt and Lou crash a wedding

Jessica accidentally calls her husband


WOMAN WITH TWO HUNDRED POUND TUMOR!


Long term solution for hair removal

This 10 minute method ignites and melts fat

A collection of more than 2,000 wigs


GIRL WITH TWO HEADS!


City hall may be haunted

Novelist found dead in her car

Woman lives in log cabin with no electricity


GRANDMOTHER GIVES BIRTH TO HERSELF!


Looks, smell, sounds, feels, tastes and swims like a wounded baitfish

Thirteen has a bad date

A wee sized alien


BOY IMPALED THROUGH HEART—LIVES!


Capitol Hill Hearings: no information available

Viewpoint with Eliot Spitzer: no information available

C-Span: no information available

Dirty bombs; China’s economic chaos. Series



SURVIVORS OF AN APOCALYPSE JOIN FORCES AGAINST ZOMBIES







Sunday, April 8, 2012

Happy Easter Shoes


Secrets of a Relapsed Shoe Shopper
 Or
 How to Think in Circles



Being a girl beats being a sharp stick in the eye.

I love being a girl. I love dressing up and makeup and hairdos and having long eyelashes. That’s how you know you’re a girl, if you have long eyelashes, but everyone knows that.

Being a girl beats being someone who has to wear ugly shoes. Have you seen boy shoes? Plain. Flat. Cloned. Cow. Flesh. There, now you’ve seen boy shoes.






I love being a girl, because the shoes are “too cha-cha for words.” Except that I’m not supposed to love shoes, because it’s wrong and vain and superficial and materialistic and . . . I only have two feet and . . .what do I need all those shoes for, and if God had wanted me to have 100 pairs of shoes He would have made me a centipede . . . and . . . 

So I went on the NO shoe-shopping wagon for months and months, but no one told me what a good job I was doing NOT buying shoes. In fact, no one mentioned my NOT buying shoes at all. It was highly anti-gratifying and kind of sad when no one sends me anything in the mail except the county, making sure that I know the government is trying to knock down every tree between my house and Macy’s.

So then I overpaid the Macy’s credit card by a bit. What? It happens. Besides, I really don’t eat very much so I must have sent the food money to Macy’s department store, by accident.

But then I realized that no one had patted my head and told me what a good girl I’d been for NOT buying shoes, and since I wasn’t comfortable with Macy’s having all of my food money in the form of a credit, and then there was this amazing spring shoe sale . . .

So I bought four pair of shoes to eat up the credit on my account, but I went over by a couple of bucks, and now I owe Macy’s money for shoes, and that’s how I fell off the NO shoe-shopping wagon and landed on my feet, wearing a dynamite pair of Easter floral pumps.

Linda (Too Cha-Cha for Words) Zern         




Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...