Wednesday, February 24, 2016


They come in batches. That’s my theory on babies. I call it the Baby Batch Theory.

My worldview [And you have to respect it, if it’s my worldview. That’s what I learned in college.] My worldview is as follows: This is not our first go ‘round. We lived before—as spirits in Heaven or Valhalla or whatever you’d like to call it. I’m open-minded. 

What’s a spirit look like, you say? Just like you look, except without the zits and stretch marks.

So, spirits wait to be born into this life: to get bodies, to get experiences, to get eyes to watch the stars with; that sort of thing. Remember! This is my worldview. I am diverse. [Also a thing you must respect. I listened in college.]

So, back to my theory on Baby Batches . . . God sends those spirits to earth in batches. I’ve done the study. [Studies are the science of crooked lines. They tell us what’s real and what’s wonky. Again—college.]

For thirty plus years, I’ve watched the nursery at church. Last year, it was a wild batch, and when I say wild, I mean children that refuse to be potty trained, curse before they can talk, and are convinced they were born knowing how to drive the family car. We call them pips.

And I’ve seen years when it was a mellow crop of little darlings. These are the children who won’t walk until they get around to it, laugh at dust motes, and find life a stunning marvel to be embraced with chubby arms. They give us a nice break from the pips.

Of course, there are outliers. [You can’t believe how much I paid to learn the meaning of that word]. In every “batch” there are babies who groove to their own tambourine, thus proving the crooked line theory.

My husband was born into a poke ‘em first, ask questions later batch. Every family has one. You know the kid. He/she/pick a sex [Gender neutrality. College 101] is that kid who can get a perfectly quiet batch of mellow kids screaming in 2.4 seconds. My husband is still at it. He picks, mostly online. My brother was a picker. Might still be.

Which brings me to my next theory. God uses the batch method to keep the distribution even: one picker in the group—max—one pip to balance it out, throw in a mellow baby and shy one every once in while and poof; you’ve got a family.
I’m sure more studies are needed. In fact, I feel they are necessary for world peace and stability. So . . . I probably should get started writing that grant proposal for the additional funding further studies will require. 

Me? I was part of a smart mouth, know-it-all batch.

Linda (First Born) Zern 

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