BORN FEET FIRST

It’s my birthday month!

Here are some birthday facts:

I was born feet first. My mother liked to tell me that if I had been born in a primitive country they would have left me on a flat rock to starve to death or be eaten by dingoes. To this day I have an irrational fear of flat rocks.

When my father was told he had a daughter he said a bad word, which my mother recorded in my baby book. I suspect the last three words I will say in this lifetime will be bad. It's in my DNA.

My baby brother was born fifteen months after me. He bit me a lot. In all my baby pictures I’m wearing long sleeves to cover the bite marks. The official story is that my brother was colicky, but I suspect demon possession and foul play.

I grew up small, wearing a size two in the first grade, and big kids used to sit on me on the school bus. I never climbed the rope, but I could read before anybody else in my class.

In high school, I attracted my husband by wearing pink shorts and a pink “Sweet Honesty” t-shirt. I haven’t worn pink shorts in a very long time, but I still wear “Sweet Honesty” perfume. He’s still attracted.

We married and had four children—none of which were born feet first—but all of which have birthdays and belly buttons.

I spent the WORST birthday of my life hanging from the second story eaves of our house in North Carolina, cleaning the gutters out before the big ice storm froze the water and gutter sludge in the gutters, forcing it up under the shingles, causing our roof to leak. It had already started to sleet when Sherwood made me climb the ladder, because he was too tubby to climb the ladder, and I wasn’t strong enough to hold a tubby man on a two-story ladder.

It was terrible. There were frozen earthworms in those filthy gutters, and my gloves iced over in minutes, if not seconds. I couldn’t move my fingers, so I just sort of clubbed the icy muck out with my hands frozen into rigor-mortis claws. I cried. The tears froze to my cheeks. I sad bad words and condemned my husband’s use of procrastination as an alternative lifestyle choice. I turned forty-four that day and aged twelve years.

The moral of the story is that it would have cost forty-bucks to have a truck full of ethnic gentlemen from Mexico clean out our gutters. They were sad when I didn’t hire them. I was sad too.

This year was a good birthday year. I turned fifty-plus, mowed the yard, and cleaned out the chicken coop.

It could have been a lot worse, believe me. My family could have put me out on an ice flow shaped like a flat rock.

Linda (Birthday Babe) Zern

Humble Pie is Yucky

According to one of those online dictionaries that defines weirdo sayings and expressions like ‘selfie’ or ‘awesome sauce’ the phrase ‘humble pie’ means: to have to apologize and/or face HUMILIATION and originated from the dish "umbles pie" which peasants ate in medieval times (umbles are the innards of deer/cow/boar/whatever else was lying around).

Pig guts. That sounds about right.

Facing humiliation is one of the skills I list on my resume.

It has been my observation over a lifetime of humble pie eating that as soon as I start thinking that I am ‘all that and a bag of chips’ one of my new cherry red Steve Madden stilettos falls in the toilet and I have to fish it out with a body part not covered with a glove.

NOTE: The phrase ‘all that and a bag of chips’ is a silly jumble of words meaning that I feel like I look pretty darn good in my cherry red Steve Madden stilettos, and I can eat a bag of chips and not gain weight.

And that’s how it went last Sunday while I was teaching my Sunday school class. They’re called Sunbeams. They’re four-years-old. They love me, mostly because I always bring snacks and I own a lot of puppets. I love them back, mostly because they remind me that there is still hope in the world.

I am a rocking four-year-old Sunday school teacher. I thought.

Last Sunday, in the spirit of Merry and Christmas, I brought my Fisher Price nativity set to class. We spent time setting up the manger, Mary and Joseph, the ever popular baby Jesus, the animals, the little wishing well, and the cat. The cat is so popular that it tends to get tucked away in little pockets and stolen, but that’s an object lesson for another time.

We had a blast, setting, arranging, and pretending. Standing over the neatly displayed crèche scene, I said something profound and wise and teacherly to my Sunbeams.

Something like, “And that children is why we should be kind and loving and . . .”

Not checking behind me, I went to sit down in my teeny, tiny four-year-old chair. It wasn’t there. I hit the ground butt first, collapsing onto my back, staring up at the ceiling.

And finishing my sentence, I said, “. . . we should try to be more like Jesus.”

I glanced into the face of a cherubic little boy. He smiled at me and said, “I moved your chair, Sissa [Sister] Zern.”

“Yes. I see that.”

I stayed where I’d landed on the floor for a few more minutes, splayed out like the Wicked Witch after that house had fallen on her and spent a few moments eating humble pie with a side serving of awesome sauce.

Linda (Yum-Yum) Zern

The First Epistle of ZippityZern to Cindy

1. Unto Cindy Lou I do write the happenings of our tribe in the year two thousand and fourteen and do speak somewhat of that which tickeleth the bone that is funny. And do say unto thee through Cindy Lou, trust not the guy whose heart is three sizes too small. He stealeth thy stuff.

2. Neither give heed to that which everyone else doth do, for they followeth strange fads and turneth aside unto vain janglings. 

3. But yet remain strong in that which giveth joy and bringeth giggles.

4. Be like unto Kipling (age 6) which dideth go with his mother and siblings to the doctor and did worrieth that he would be given a shot. The stress of which did causeth him to have gas and toot much. When the nurse did entereth the room she declared, “Shew. Who dideth fart?”

5. And Kip did speak forth, saying, “Me. I’m the nervous kid in the room.”

6. And he did speaketh the truth and did holdeth nothing back, being honest in his dealings with his fellow man. And thus we see that to speak the truth is often most funny and beloved of all.

7. This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation.

8. And the young and impressionable in our tribe did likewise speak often of the world and its doings, finding delight and wonder in the wagging of the world and who doth way it.

9. Or as it was said by Zoe (age 10) when in science club she did observeth salt dancing under the influence of percussion and music to form most intricate and dazzling of patterns, “I’m speechless.” 

10. Also be like unto Emma (age 9) who beginneth all and every sentence with a much used phrase, it being, “Did you know . . .” And she doth have the knowing of many things, yea, almost all things.

11. Then there is the example of one Conner (age 8); who doth struggle much in his reading but doth set for all a fine brightness of hope when he saith, “It is my destiny to learn to read.” 

12. And also there being one Sadie (age 6) who delighteth in the sun, and moon, and stars; who bringeth gifts of rocks to me that sparkleth with much quartz, wanting much to study the glitter she doth find in the earth.

13. And Zachary and Reagan hath learned much in their going to pre-school, mostly that Indians did creepeth and did eateth much of turkey with those known as Pilgrims. And Reagan did complaineth, “I tired of turkey songs.”

14. This is a true saying, that Griffin, whom they still calleth Gummy, and Hero, who loveth horses much, and Scout, known for her much climbing, did all grow in stature and wisdom and their parents did yet looketh forth to that day without diapers.

15. And in a day that is not yet, but soon, there would yet come another infant to our tribe and her name would be known on the records of our church: Leidy Hazel Lorance both for her great-grandfather and her great-grandmother and we did look forward to the day of her coming.

16. These things I write unto thee to show that our tribe doth still prosper and grow; that the song we sing hath both the secret of our love and the secret of our happiness contained therein, in that we do believe our purpose and mission is to inviteth others to our family and to ‘help [them] and others on their way.’ And this is that which doth make our lives a marvelous work and a wonder to us. And we do rejoice and wish all a most pleasant journey and much blessed Christmas.