Saturday, February 22, 2014

Glitter Up Nuts

My husband Sherwood travels everywhere, all the time. It’s not as cool as it sounds. Mostly it means getting ‘felt up’ by airport officials on every continent.

Our overseas communication policy is to talk twice a day, every day by cell phone. This allows us to make sure that neither one of us has been kidnapped by near sighted sex slavers. It also allows us to handle family business long distance. Examples of family business include: I’m sad because raccoons got in the garbage again; where’s the barn broom; or why didn’t you buy rabbit food? That kind of stuff.

However, since Homeland Security has been under the gun . . . oops . . . no, no not gun . . . I mean G for glitter, U for up, and N for nuts . . . since they’ve been under the Glitter Up Nuts for collecting overseas and domestic calls and making notes, we’ve decided to come up with a code word system for our private telephone business.

Think Enigma Code for Dummies.

Please don’t spread it around. This is just between us: you and me and some pimply computer wonk at Homeland Security.

Here’s the breakdown.

When I say, “Come home and drill something!”

It’s code. It means, come home and trap the raccoons trying to turn our garbage cans into apartments for their furry little jerk selves.

If I claim, “The roosters are howling.”

It means that the Muslim neighbors have been firing off enough ammunition at tin can targets to make our dogs refuse to go outside to relieve themselves, and I’m worried they’ll explode from urine retention.

When I declare, “Ugh! The dolts are in the house.”

That’s political commentary meaning that there are actual dolts in the actual big house on the actual hill acting like loonies, or how the heck did Alan Grayson become our representative? Doesn’t he live in Orlando?

It’s a sign of the times. The words only mean what I mean them to mean; get what I mean? Or I’m thinking of buying a Glitter Up Nut.

We also have a code word should either one of us be kidnapped by near sighted sex slavers, but Sherwood is always forgetting what the code word is, which makes me testy when I quiz him. He can remember a thousand weird computer acronyms for when Uganda calls, but he can’t remember our sex slaver kidnapper code word. What’s up with that?

See why I need a Glitter Up Nut?

Linda (Enigma Elf) Zern

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