Saturday, December 14, 2013

Wisdom that is Conventional

I’m short.  I’m short because the conventional wisdom in 1958 said that smoking during pregnancy was nifty.  Doctors assured women that smoking would keep their unborn babies small, making them easier to push out of small places.

Conventional wisdom was stupid, and now I’m short.

And so I’d like to bust a couple of conventional wisdom myths right down to their collective jibber jabber foundations.

Conventional wisdom says that human beings are just animals in baggy pants. (I watch the Discovery Channel that’s how I know stuff.) If the convention is going to insist on this humans as animals angle then the convention should not be shocked when the people animals fling their poo, scrump like Bonobos, and eat their young. 

Conventional wisdom says that overpopulation is a problem.  No worries. Mother nature (a gal that a lot of folks now like to worship) has a way of taking care of out of control populations. It’s called a pandemic. Sure it’s messy for a while but in the end the ten percent of the people animals that survive will have all the free ice cream they can stand—until it melts.

Wisdom that is conventional says that having children is a twenty-year prison sentence. Absolutely. Keep believing that. Don’t even risk it. Danger! Danger!

(More room on the playground for my kids and grandkids.)

Conventional wisdom says that conservative, religious people are stupid. Maybe. But they’re also the people having all the babies, probably teaching those babies how to be conservative and religious. The stupid beasts.

Conventional wisdom says that everything in this world can be fixed with money: low self esteem, baggy pants fads, the wacky ends of the bell curve, meanness, greed mongering, pimples, pandemics, poorness, cow flatulence . . . etc. If that bit of wisdom were true we would have escaped the Matrix by now. I don’t really know how that follows, but it makes as much sense as money being the answer to all our pimple problems.

A lot of humans all thinking the same stuff is considered conventional wisdom or the status quo.

When your status is full of quo you probably have been told that the people animals, which appear particularly scrump worthy are in fact—hot.

Hot is a term indicating a level of sexual desirability.

It’s also a word that means the temperature of sidewalks, the readiness of waffles, and the heat index of any Florida day in August.

Conventional wisdom says that a sexually mature Bonobo monkey girl will advertise her “readiness” by bending over at the waist and displaying her . . . ur . . . um . . . hottish parts in a gyrating bounce. Not really, but it fits my narrative.

In people, bending over at the waist and displaying your hottish parts in a gyrating bounce is called twerking, which brings us back to the humans as animals angle.

Why are we surprised by anything we see at the VMA awards? Conventional wisdom says those folks are the best and the most talented among us.

Conventional wisdom is still stupid, and I’m still short.

Linda (Puff the Magic Dragon) Zern 

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