Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Smart Security Alert

If I get any safer or more secure my body probably won’t be found until the spring thaw. And it doesn’t snow in Florida. 

I have a smart phone. The problem with my smart phone is that it’s stupid, and it gets itself lost CONSTANTLY. 

When I was a girl our phone wasn’t smart. And it didn’t go for rides in our pants. It sat on the kitchen counter or hung on the kitchen wall and behaved itself. When I was a girl I knew where to find the phone and how smart is that?

Now the smart phone goes for rides to the store, the gas station, and the barn where it gets itself lost, forgotten, or misplaced. How stupid is that?

Married but alone more than not alone (my husband is either an international computer analyst or a spy) I’m often encouraged, by people who want me to do stuff for them on a regular basis, to carry my phone with me when I’m hanging from the barn rafters dusting for black widow spider webs. They worry I might break a hip and not be available to cook Sunday dinner for twenty-seven.

So, I do. I carry the phone with me around the farm, where I consistently forget, lose, or misplace it while dusting for black widow spider webs.

And that’s how it went. I remembered in the middle of the night that I needed my phone. How else am I going to call the cops when I’m attacked by giant black widow spiders in my bed? Right?

So, I threw on my pink bathrobe with the red hearts and tromped out to the barn to find my smart phone. Except the barn rabbit--the one that refuses to stay in a cage--saw me, ran straight at me, flipped sideways, and shot rabbit urine at my ankles. 

She’s a good shot—also excellent barn security.

I screamed, lunged for my phone, and took off back to the house where I realize that I’m locked out because of all of my husband’s nagging about heightened security—every window and door—locked, bolted, sealed. But I have my smart phone. Unfortunately, it’s not a key to any of the doors.

Nothing to be done but push open the bathroom window with the broken latch. 

Have you ever tried to push open our bathroom window with the broken latch?

Yeah, well . . . if you’re looking for a quick way to amputate an appendage then I’ve got a window for you.

Afraid it would break my neck if it fell on me, I wedged the window open with a rake. As I scrambled through the glass guillotine my smart phone fell out of the pocket of my bathrobe into the bug-infested bushes beneath the window.

“That is the dumbest phone ever,” I said to no one in particular as I tumbled into the bathtub.

An observation or two: Security is in the eye of the beholder and a phone is only as smart as its owner. Also, furry bunnies are urine- shooting terrorists.

Linda (Safety Zone) Zern 

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