Monday, September 2, 2013

Travel Tips A Go-Go

Travel Advisory 101
Having inadvertently become a world traveler via my husband’s obscene amount of free air miles, I have herein jotted down a few travel tips for the modern adventurer.

PS:  Yes, I am aware that the trips I have been on would have taken months and months and months to accomplish, and that at certain points in those trips, when the horses starting dropping dead from heat and boredom, the crew would have to toss the dead horse bodies into the ocean—thus the horse latitudes. I don’t care. It’s not my fault I got myself born after the Spanish discovered long distance cruises—also maize and stuffing galleons full of other people's  gold.

Linda Z’s Travel Tips:

1.    Wear clothes you’d wear when nine months pregnant, ninety three percent stretch and seven percent Lycra. Don’t be shocked when the thin black line that stands between you and exploding underwear (aka the TSA,) thinks that you are wearing a belt. Or as I said to the last TSA sweetie who patted me down looking for IED’s in my pants, “Sweetie, if that machine thinks I’m wearing a belt it’s defective, and you should contact the manufacturer.” Sweetie thought about having me arrested.
2.    Never wear bras with under wires. But don’t be surprised when the TSA says the machine indicates that you have an IED in your sports bra.
3.     Carry a purse the size of luggage. If it makes you tip over when fully loaded with nose tissues, cough drops, lip-gloss, and chocolate covered raisins it’s perfect.
4.     Carry multiple packs of nose tissues. They come in handy when trying to remove the boulder-sized boogers that spontaneously form in your nostrils from breathing bird flu infested airplane air.
5.     Never read the bird flu informational posters upon landing.
6.     Stay the size and shape of a shoehorn. The better to curl up in an airplane seat like a squirrel—a shoehorn squirrel.
7.     If checking luggage, purchase and use the largest suitcase sold on Amazon. It will make you feel better when you see the forlorn looks on anyone who has to carry it. It’s petty I know but oddly satisfying.
8.     Wear shoes made of duct tape. They scan well. But don’t be surprised if the TSA says that the machine indicates that there are Somali pirates hiding in them.
9.    Never eat the tiny airplane food. It’s not real.
10.  Carry a security blanket with dog, cat, and goat hair on it. With any luck your seatmates will notice and be horrified, asking to be moved to another flight.
11.  Have a contingency plan in case the world folds like a cheap greeting card while you’re flying over the Pacific Ocean. Ask yourself, “Can I survive on ‘the desert island’ with one bottle of Tylenol PM or should I double up?”
12.  And finally . . . never, and I mean never look the pilot in the eye when he butts in front of you in the line for the tiny potty. It’s the law. If pilots look their passengers in the eye they will turn to salt, the passengers not the pilot. If passengers don’t turn to salt then the pilots are allowed to treat the passengers like Somali pirates armed with IED underwire bras.

The best thing about traveling is making sure other people see you seeing things. Once, you had to invite your friends and acquaintances over for dinner and feed them and then force them to see your vacation home movies; now you can taunt them with updates on Facebook. No refreshments necessary. And you hardly ever have to toss dead horses over the rail into the ocean.

Linda (Turn Back Now) Zern

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