Monday, February 4, 2013


According to Mark Twain American humor is unique. The French and English tell stories that are funny. Americans tell stories in a funny way.

That’s the gist of it—paraphrased, roughly, also badly.  

What it means is that Americans can find the humor in just about anything. It’s true or it’s roughly true.

I’ve also read that humor is tragedy plus time. That’s quoted—badly.

Whatever you believe about what is or is not funny, laughing beats the alternatives. I’d rather laugh than set myself on fire or lock myself in a basement, growing paranoia under a black light.

So I write about the irony, the absurdity, the inconsistency, and the sheer unpredictability of being alive in a world where it’s possible to photo shop the head of a Victoria Secret model onto your own body. See what I did there? The idea of putting the head of a sexy model on the aging body of a five foot one inch freckled author is silly, and that’s why that’s funny. Humor 101.

And so this is my annual disclaimer.

MISSION STATEMENT:  I make fun of me and mine and sometimes people who tick me off, but I disguise those folks so they can’t sue me.

WARNING:  Don’t read anything I write if you 1) can’t laugh at yourself 2) can’t laugh at me 3) can’t laugh at anything other than crotch kicking or 4) haven’t laughed since you became “enlightened.”

MARRIAGE TIP:  Never buy luggage! That way whoever threatens to leave has to haul their junk off in black garbage bags. It’s a real deterrent.

FAVORITE SUBJECTS TO LAMPOON: Animal lovers who eat meat. Meat eaters who love animals. Animal owners that are eaten by their animal, and anyone who thinks that an eagle eating a duck constitutes cannibalism. Lampoon lovers.

FAVORITE TV SHOWS:  Anything but reality. Reality sucks.

BEST COMFORT FOOD:  Granny Bagget’s chicken-n-dumplings, but Granny Bagget’s been gone for thirty years or more, so I’m in the market for a new choice.

BFF:  My husband.

PMLTDMC (Person Most Likely To Drive Me Crazy):  My husband.

PET PEEVE:  Dead light bulbs. Because they scream “lazy,” and because I’m short and I have to get a stepladder to change the big tall light bulbs and getting someone tall to do it is a pain in the lampoon.

BIGGEST WORRIES:  Tongue tumors and the zombie apocalypse.

POLITICAL AFFILIATION:  Libertarian until you can prove to me that being “liberal” or “conservative” won’t turn us all into zombies with tongue tumors.

WRITING PHILOSPHY:  Anytime, anywhere, anything!

And that’s the gist of it, for now. I can’t promise anything should I become an “overnight” sensation, sell butt loads of books, and become obscenely wealthy and riddled with guilt over my good fortune. Then I might become a real drag, like all those famous types who hide out in their compounds in South Florida.

Linda (The Gist Monger) Zern  


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