Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Judging and Not Judging Mammary Capacity


We are hobby farmers. Hobby farmers live in a relative rural setting, dabble in various kinds of “farming,” and have the knowing of a lot of fascinating farm facts. Or as my son-in-law observed, “ Farming means buying animals that poop and then moving the poop around.”


Poop moving accounts for approximately seventy-three percent of time usage on the typical hobby farm, and clever, new uses for poop or the moving of poop is always exciting news, proving that hobby farmers are inquisitive people eager to know new stuff.

Knowing new stuff is ninety three percent of why a person would take up farming for a hobby in the first place.

Over the years I’ve learned a few important life lessons because of my hobby:

EVERYTHING THAT GETS ITSELF BORN ENDS UP IN A NEATLY DUG BACKHOE HOLE IN THAT BIG PASTURE IN THE SKY—EVENTUALLY. Life is transient and precious, so kick up your heels when spring finally shows up and the sun finally shines down.

MOTHER NATURE IS A B*TCH.  When a mother rabbit gives birth to a deformed, three-legged baby, she will calmly carry it to a far corner of the cage and abandon it—or eat it. Mother nature does not waste time, energy, or resources on diversity.

MOTHER NATURE IS A B*TCH.  And we human beings are not animals. We may have hair, warm blood, and mammary glands, but we also have wheel chairs.

EVERYTHING POOPS.  So stop pretending that you don’t.

ROOSTERS DO NOT LAY EGGS.  Hopefully, this does not require an explanation.

FENCES MAKE GOOD NEIGHBORS. Except when you try to help your neighbor corral his rampaging steer by vaulting the communal gate, dislocate your knee, and wind up without important ligaments in your knee. Then fences are like Mother Nature.

LIFE IS NOT ONE LITTLE BIT FAIR.  Even after doing everything right, the pony still colic’s and dies, the coyotes still carry off newborn lambs, oranges still freeze back to the rootstock, and cutworms still invade like a Nazi panzer tank division cutting the tomato plants slap down to the well mulched ground. It’s possible that without divine help and assistance we are all dead men.

AND SOMETIMES LIFE IS A 1ST PLACE RIBBON AT THE OSCEOLA COUNTY FAIR, because your Nubian milk goat has a “mammary capacity that cannot be denied. We have our grand champion!!” And that means that you own a goat with the biggest teats in twenty-three counties, and life is good.

So let’s recap. Hobby farming gets us off the city streets, out of the rat race, and back into the fields where we belong. Otherwise, we run the risk of thinking that chicken eggs are created in Styrofoam egg cartons in the dairy section at Wal*Mart.

Linda (Scooping Poop) Zern



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