Wednesday, October 24, 2012


The world has become a morass of shifting social demands, drifting personal rights, and twirling national fibs. In other words, the world is going to Heck Town in a rotten hand basket. I blame scientific studies and the social scientists that sit hunched over their graph paper, coming up with new ways to apply for grant money.

“A recent study shows . . .” are the most dreadful words in the English language, because, once, we knew what we thought, but now we have to wait for a recent study to know what we think. And what we thought we thought is completely not what the recent study indicates we thought we were thinking. I think.

And the studies keep rolling in . . .

And the grant money keeps rolling out . . .

And I want some. Grant money, that is.

So I’m developing a proposal for a study I’d like to conduct. Hey, it makes as much sense as the study last spring where scientists found that (and I quote) “women with larger breasts make bigger tips, as do those who are slender and blonde. Also, men always want sex, and many want it more often than they get it.”

Here’s my working plot . . . I mean proposal . . . my working proposal to get grant money:  I intend to show that the faster the world spins down the toilet of crazy town, the more cats there are on your computer: pictures, posters, videos, actual pictures of actual cats sitting on actual computers. I estimate that for every single disturbing moment in the news, there are 3.76 to 5.5 depictions of cats on Facebook.

The news doesn’t even have to be all that bad. It can be semi-upsetting or mildly itchy and wham—cats galore.

It’s a pattern. Patterns are pictures that can be graphed. Graphs are like math. Math is close to science. Science can be studied—with enough free money to make the pictures called graphs. See?

Bottom line:  I want free money to study pictures of cats on Facebook and their correlation to bad news: wars, rumors of war, disasters, tragedies, earthquakes, and escalating out-of-control governmental debts and deficits due to the unrestrained doling out of free money.

Kittens? Don’t get me started on kittens. My study will also attempt to prove that when the number of pictures of kittens spikes on social media then a dirty bomb attack is 1) imminent 2) pretty darn close 3) old news.

My study will prove that Americans would rather stare at pictures of cats and kittens then discuss the end of the world. Apparently, the fog of war has become the fog of cats.

Give me money.

Or I’ll make you look at pictures of ‘possums.

Linda (Cat Scratch Fever) Zern



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