It has cost me tens of
thousands of dollars to learn how NOT to write.
As a student of creative
writing I study the fine and gentle art of word mongering. I love mongering the
words. It’s important to know that part of learning how to write means learning
how NOT to write. There are more rules than you might think when you become a
wordmongerer.
EXCESSIVE USE OF SPICES
(ADJECTIVES AND ADVERBS)
My happy, humming laptop slid rapidly
and quickly off the comfy, cushy bed. I did not really
drop, actually throw, quickly roll, mightily toss,
or completely skip the smallish
computer off the very tall bed. It really, really just slid.
It really, really slid from a softly
puffing pillow top mattress onto an average grade slightly tired and walked on Walmart carpet and actually seized completely
up. The thickly thick power cord bent extensively and a lot.
FILTERING (ACCORDING TO JOHN
GARDNER FILTERING IS THE NEEDLESS LOOKING THROUGH SOME OBSERVING
CONSCIOUSNESS IN WRITING.)
YIKES! SOUNDS SERIOUS!
For
Example: Turning, I saw my laptop slide off the
bed.
Compare:
I turned. The laptop slid off the bed. The screen went black, and I was a dead
woman. This was the fifth laptop I’d killed with my bare hands.
TOO MANY HE SAID, SHE SAIDS.
“How
could you drop your computer again?” he said, asked, or
squalled at me like a wounded cat.
“I
didn’t drop it. It slid,” I said.
“I
did not drop it. It slid off, by itself,” I said again.
“Linda,
laptops do not grow on trees,” he said like a big numb
nut.
“Really!”
I said, my voice sounding really, really mean. “Since
when?”
“Now,
you’re just being sarcastic,” he said.
Turning, I gave him my best and most evil eye stare. (Actually, that could be an
example of filtering.)
There’s
more stuff that I’ve learned, but I’m all tired out. Writing is hard. I need a
nap.
Linda
(Write Stuff) Zern
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