Thursday, October 13, 2011

Stink Bug Acid Attack!

Emergency Meeting of the Zern Family Emergency Response Team -

Zern Family Emergency Response Team Mission Statement:  To form and coordinate a coherent, agile, and capable response to emergency situations up to and including, alien body snatching, wandering zombie hordes, mule invasions, water moose infestations, and exploding maggot migrations (anywhere, anytime, for any reason.)

Also, it would be nice if someone could find out why that kid is screaming her guts out!!

“Referring to Emergency Situation # 3127-12, StarDate – sometime just the other day,” I paused, referring to notes scrawled on my forearm.

“Would someone like to explain why, when there were children screaming bloody murder in the chicken coop on Sunday, no one got up out of their lawn chairs and physically moved to assess the threat level?” 

One team member pretended to sit up straighter and another practiced nodding, boney shoulder shrugging, out numbered faux nods—four to one.

“Okay, let me ask it this way.” I folded my lumpy finger bones in front of me, resting them on the picnic table.

“What exactly did you think was happening when you heard,” I glanced down and read the inside of my wrist,  “‘It sprayed Zoe in the eye. She’s blinded; she’s blinded!’ followed by horrified screaming and shrieking?”

My husband considered his official answer from behind closed eyelids.

“I thought that a chicken had pecked her,” he said, opening one eye.

“You heard, ‘It sprayed Zoe; she’s blinded’ and you thought, chicken pecking attack.”

“Or maybe a drive by chicken spitting. They spit you know?”

Several members of the team shifted uncomfortably in their lawn chairs.

“I told you that,” I reminded him. “I told you chickens spit.”

And I had told him about chicken spitting, a painful truth that I had learned while working at my first job. I was an egg picker at an egg farm. At least I hoped those chickens had been spitting at me.

“Okay Team, new rule. When you hear screaming, coupled with the words sprayed and blinded, feel free to assume STINK BUG ACID ATTACK. The proper response being visible physical MOVEMENT toward the actual screaming.”

Sherwood raised his hand.

“Was it necessary to blow Zoe’s eyes out with the garden hose?”

“Listen, Hero, is Zoe blind? Did stink bug acid scar her for life? Does she still smell like the butt-end of a stink bug?”

I handed out a fact sheet concerning the procedures to follow when a Tree Stink Bug shoots acid into your seven-year old granddaughter’s eyes. Step 1) Fire hose kid in face with water.

I concluded the meeting by informing the emergency response team that I was promoting Conner (age 5) to Captain Supreme.

At the time of the attack, Conner had calmly informed me, “I stomped that stupid stink bug to deff.”

“Excellent job, Conner; you’re the only one who knows how to stomp stuff. I’m making you the boss.”

As for the rest of them there’ll be a series of drills and training exercises this Saturday, and I’ll be selling the lawn furniture at a garage sale.

Linda (Stay Frosty) Zern


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