She Speaks With Calloused Tongue

Crazy things you hear, think, say, and wish you could say while having a tongue growth removed. The official diagnosis was tongue callous.

Minimal nitrous oxide exposure –

“How are you feeling?” the nurse asked.

“Like I’m about to have someone hack a chunk out of my tongue.”

Medium nitrous oxide exposure –

“How are you feeling?” the dentist asked.

“I feel like I’m being held captive by cannibals with a tongue hankering.”

“Oh, you and your imagination.”

Heavy nitrous oxide exposure that should have made me feel relaxed, detached, and unconcerned –

Because my tongue was now in a vice of some sort I was unable to explain that the nitrous oxide (lauded for its kicking good drug fun) was making me feel like there was a fat leprechaun eating a sandwich on my chest and that I wasn’t detached enough not to care that I was 1) having a needle bounced into my jaw 2) smelling my own tongue burning 3) having a chunk chopped out, and 4) getting tongue stitches which I didn’t even know were possible.

Note:  I’ve never wanted to be able to speak sign language so badly in my life; I would have spelled out W.T.F.

When the nurse told me that I was “doing great,” I had several things I might have said if I could have. They include:

“Thanks, I’ve been practicing by putting my tongue in my desk drawer and slamming it shut.”

“I owe it all to clean living and hypnotism.”

“It’s because of the Leprechaun on my chest.”

Post nitrous oxide – My first declarative sentence following surgery!

“Next time I want the good pills and a driver!!” And then I cried. And that’s how I got free nitrous oxide, which has no apparent effect on me except to make me the opposite of all the things it’s supposed to make me.

Linda (Old Callous Tongue) Zern