Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Operation Enduring Rat Trap

Suggestions for eradicating rats in the Zern family chicken coop have included:

Misc. People’s Question: “Can’t you just poison the rats with poisoned apples?”
My Response:  “Nope, because we’re fresh out of wizened old witches and chickens eat poisoned apples too.”

Son-In-Law Threat: “If it were me, my rats, and my chicken coop, I’d burn it down. In fact, it’s the second thing I’m going to do after you die; right after I change out all the mismatched cabinet knobs in your kitchen.”
My Come Back and Counter Threat: “That’s your answer to everything, Phillip, and I’m having my mismatched cabinet knobs buried with me. So there.”

Friend’s Suggestion: “Grenade?”
My Shocked Answer:  “No!”

Another Suggestion: “Flame Thrower?”
My Shocked Answer: “NO!”

Son-In-Law: “If it were me, I’d just throw a tarp over the hole mess and gas ‘em.”
Me:  “Chickens too?”
Him:  “Yes.”
Me:  “Good grief, Phillip, you sound like a Nazi.”

My Question:  “Are the spelunker lights on your heads really necessary?”
Official Statement from the Rodent Squad (Consisting of Sherwood and Adam):  “Yes, we need the lights. It’s not as easy as it looks on TV to shoot at stuff and carry a flashlight. Who knew?”

SSG Aric Zern: “Why did Dad get a shotgun to shoot rats?”
The Truth:  “So he could nickname it ‘Shock and Awe.’”
The Real Truth: “Because I wouldn’t let him put rat-shot in my target pistol.”

Best Rat Killing Tip from Uncle Rick:  “Flood their tunnels and then stomp them when they run out.”
My Horrified Worry:  “What kind of shoes are rat stomping shoes?  Stilettos? Golf cleats? Rubber boots?”
My Follow Up: “Where do you even buy rat stomping footwear?”

My Husband’s Claim to the Most Excitement He’s had at Night in Years:  “I have to confess I was so pumped after shooting those rats I couldn’t sleep, even though I had to get up and leave for the airport at 4 am.”
Me:  “You caveman!”

Lessons Learned About Farming:  “It’s hard and there’s a ton of rats.”

Best Movie Line Quoted in the Conflict:  “I say we take off, and nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”

This completes the weekly briefing for Operation Enduring Rat Trap here on the front lines of country living, organic egg growing, and chicken picking.

Linda (Neck of Red) Zern

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