Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Story Monger



It’s one of our granddaughter’s favorite stories. She begs to hear it again and again. Her dad tells the story—over and over. It’s the tale of how Aric, our oldest son, fashioned a homemade bolo (bolas) out of two wild Florida yams and a hunk of grapevine and attempted to kill our youngest son and their cousin, Daniel, with it.

In the family lexicon, it’s called The Great Wild Yam Bolo Attack of ’93.

Our oldest son enjoyed heavy infusions of adrenalin from a young age; you know, the way some kids enjoyed pizza.

Our youngest son enjoyed pizza.

Aric liked to build tiger pits and Argentinean bolos.

Adam liked to avoid tiger pits and Argentinean bolos.

The way Adam tells it, Aric appeared out of the misty Florida fog one day, carrying a bolo he’d constructed out of two wild yams connected with a length of twisting vine. Note: Wild Florida yams are as hard as rocks and about as useful.

Also Note: No one ever discovered where Aric stumbled upon his homemade bolo making skills, except that he did.

The way Adam tells it, Aric said not a word to either one of them. He simply appeared and began to twirl the homemade bolo around and around over his head.

The way Adam tells it, they began to yell, “No! No! Don’t do it Aric. Please don’t do it.”

All they heard was the searing whir of rock hard yams slicing the humid air.

Then they began to run. Adam swears he outran Daniel, knowing that no mercy would be shown. At least that’s the way he tells it.

Racing for his life, Adam remembered looking over his shoulder to see Daniel thundering along behind him. As he watched, Aric let fly his homemade bolo. It flew true. Daniel went down in a tangle of legs, arms, dirt, humidity, and yams.

Adam knew better than to stop running. He wished Daniel safe passage to Valhalla and kept right on running.

At least that’s how Adam tells it, over and over and over again to Emma, who laughs uproariously every single time.

It’s good to have stories to tell. Good to have stories that make little girls laugh. Good to have survived long enough to be able to tell the stories to our children that eventually become our family histories.

So to Emma and all the other grandchildren, I say, “Let the stories begin.”

Linda (PAX) Zern

Monday, January 27, 2014

IT'S A PARTY!!!


It's a party!!! A book signing for Linda Carter Zern's book Mooncalf. Everyone is invited and you can get the book on Amazon!

FEBRUARY 15TH  


 http://www.amazon.com/Mooncalf-Linda-L-Zern-ebook/dp/B00GRJJPI6/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1390488474&sr=1-1&keywords=mooncalf

We Can Hear What You're Really Saying


In a heavy southern accent, the DMV examiner asked our seventeen-year old son, Adam, if he had ever been convicted of a DUI?

He said, “Yes.”

Adam didn’t drink. Or drive. Or have a license. What he really meant was, “I’m a little nervous.”

Communication is a tricky, tricky business these days. Political correctness, rampant hypocrisy, personal agendas, and the fact that everyone with fingers has a website and is selling something has put a crimp in getting the straight story with veracity.

Veracity?

Crap. What does that mean? Technically, it means “habitual truthfulness.”

Truth? Oh boy, but I’ve heard that truth is a relative term, because I go to college where simple things become as nasty and complicated as a knot in the shoelace of a toddler’s tennis shoe—that has been urinated on all day.

Relative?

Relative means that your truth is not my truth or our truth is not their truth unless it’s true on Comedy Central.  I think.

How is truth supposed to work if we can’t agree on whether or not there actually is a knot in that shoelace? Or whether or not the smell wafting up from that shoelace is urine when we have to untie that shoelace knot with our teeth.

Examples of relative truthfullness include:

Hearing politicians call their LIES misspeaking. “I know I said that there would be a chicken in every pot, but what I meant to say is that everyone should smoke some pot, and then you won’t care one way or the other about getting free chicken.”

Hearing politicians caught in their LIES, claiming that they could have said something more “tightly.”  More tightly????? “I know I said that I was born in a log cabin without a pot or a chicken to put in the pot, but what I should have said is that I made all that stuff up.”

Hearing politicians deny their LIES.  “I had no idea that I said that stuff about free chicken. I found out when you found out on the news. And they never get anything wrong. Right?”

Don’t even get me started on the phrases “cutting edge,” “mean-spirited,” or “stupid doo-doo head.”

It is my grandchildren’s “reality” to call me “mean” when I refuse to let them overdose on Otterpops. “You are a mean old YaYa for not letting us eat enough frozen sugar water to give a whale diabetes.”

But I know that what the children are really saying is, “It’s so hard learning to be self-controlled.”

Truth. Civility. Semantics. It’s a relative minefield out there.

Linda (Doo-Doo Head) Zern














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