BRAIN TEASER

 “Brain and brain! What is brain?” 

It’s a great line from one of my favorite Star Trek episodes. A planet of sexy, alien babes steal Spock’s superior brain to run their entire planet: electric, water, air, and apparently sewage. 

The sexy, alien babes have to use a special computer helmet to juice up their own atrophied brain power to be able to perform the surgery necessary to steal Spock’s brain and then install it in the planet-wide power plant.

When Kirk and company show up to retrieve Spock’s brain, the sexy, alien babes have reverted to their sexy, alien, baby state, and they don’t even know what a brain is. Thus, the fabulous ‘what is brain?’ line. 

Kirk keeps insisting they return Spock’s brain. They insist that they are stupid.

Once in a while, I feel a bit like those sexy, alien babes who can’t remember how they managed brain surgery without a college degree.

Like the time I lost my car keys . . . for two weeks . . . in my own purse. 

“Hey, babe,” I said, breaking the news. “I can’t find my keys.” I paused. “Anywhere. And I’ve looked.”

“Did you look in the truck?” he asked. 

I taped my finger against my chin. “That would be the anywhere I was referring to.”

“How about on the desk, the bed, the kitchen, the office, the barn, the passenger side door . . .” The list continued.

“How could I have lost them in the passenger door? I had to open the house with the house keys located on the same keychain as the key to the truck key.”

He sighed. “Your purse? Your pants? Your closet? The refrigerator?”

“The refrigerator!!!!!  Isn’t that a sign of mental disease or defect?” I spluttered.

To say that the conversation deteriorated from that point would be unnecessary.

I chalked up the loss of my keys to life and living, also the slow melting of my brain due to overuse rather than atrophy, until the day I noticed a tiny, barely-there pocket in the side of my enormous laptop case-slash-purse. 

“What’s this?” I asked the silent universe. Tucked carefully into the barely-there pocket were my keys. I was happy, as happy as a sexy, alien babe might feel after stealing Spock’s excellent brain to power my whole darn civilization.

I was happy . . . also chagrined. I mean who can’t find their own keys inside the confines of a single, multi-use purse? A sexy, alien babe, that’s who.

Brain and brain. Where did I put my brain?

Linda (Sharp as a Tack) Zern

 

   

The Christmas Song of Zern - 2021

 

1. The song of Zern, which is ours, did commence to be sung in the first month of this year and doth continue in the last month of this year of our Lord, two thousand and twenty-first, a year of unusual happenings and much speaking of the Lord. 

2. Let them kiss me with their kisses for I both keep the record of our folk and maketh the grass short enough for dodge ball to continueth unceasingly to be played by the children of our tribe. 

3. Our year did proceed thusly.

4. In the newness of the year, we did sicken of the plague which did cover the land, experiencing both mild and moderate and even worrisome symptoms. Then Sherwood our husband and father did spend but little time in the hospital close to our home, even Saint Cloud, there receiving both Ivermectin and steroids. Thusly, he walked forth from that place both healed and helped and blessed by those good doctors.

5. After much time going forth to battle against the Philistines, Aric, even Aric and his wife, Lauren, did proceed forth from the northern lands to the southern lands, even to come to rest in the village of Yulee. There to make an end of battle and to retire from the work of the Army. Silas and Ellie did delight much in the community pool and closeness of the endless moving of the waves found on their right hand.

6. Heather, the second of four, said moreover, the Lord hath delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, and hath preserved me as a mother in Zion. And Zoe, Conner, Kipling, Zachary, Griffin, and Ender did rise up and call her . . . to get them much to drink and eat. And Phillip said to Heather, Let not thy heart fail thee.

7. And the family of Maren and T. J., even Reagan and Hero and Leidy and Boone, abiding in the land of Texas, even Dallas, did rejoice much in the healing of their dearest sister and daughter, Reagan, from the darkness of childhood cancer. And they did go forth in the knowledge that their God doth hear and answereth the prayers of their hearts. And Hero did prophesy that God would work a mighty work because they are the Lorances and they don’t give up.

8. And the work of bringing forth the rising generation did continue forth in the home of one Adam, the youngest child brought forth in our home and his wife Sarah, in that Emma and Sadie and Scout and Ever Jane did play much of the piano, also their mother Sarah. While their father dideth work much to pay the cost. And they did prosper in the land.

9. And I did crieth to the Heavens for a kitten that might abide with us and she did come forth, living in the vent of the dryer, causing us to believe her to be a bat, but instead she came forth from the dryer vent to be held in the palm of our hands, needing but love and much food. 

10. And in this strange and most unusual year, the Lord did speak peace unto our hearts in the saddest moments and we didest hear the voice of angels whispering much of faith, of hope, and of charity when all seemed broken and lost. And we do continue in that pattern of love, measuring our lives by the times and seasons of our God, knowing that our days are numbered and known to our Father in Heaven. May Christmas be bright with hope in thy life and may it fill all thy days.           

The Laughter Starts Here

Need to laugh? Want to laugh? Feel free to laugh at me and mine. Find this collection of humorous essays and tales of hamster mayhem at amazon.com/author/lindazern