TESTIMONIAL: "I loved this book." (Carol Chevrier)

A Philosophy of Shoes

Shoes are the best reason for having feet said every shoe lover ever--also feet are good for walking and stuff--in shoes, of course.

A lovely woman came up to me at our local shoe kiosk the other day (they’re having a snappy shoe sale) and informed me, “You know you’re old when the latest styles are too dangerous to wear because you may fall and break a hip.”

She was a delightful woman. Never met her before in my life.

“True,” I agreed, and then added. “I know I’m old because all the latest styles remind me of Viet Nam. Everything my daughters put on their feet look like the Viet Cong cut them out of bicycle tires on the Ho Chi Men trail.

“That’s because everything IS made by the Viet Cong these days, also the Koreans, but mostly the Chinese.”

She laughed sweetly and hobbled off atop pale pink platform sandals.

Lovely woman. Excellent shoes.

Aren’t shoe shoppers the friendliest people and so well informed on the current import-export situation? I believe it has something to do with squashing your feet into the very same pair of shoes that the lady next to you just finished squashing her feet into. It gives you a sense of sisterhood. That’s why bowlers are so warm and friendly, because everyone wears everyone else’s shoes. Nice and cozy.

My shoe wearing philosophy: I’m short. I always wear heels. I’ve told my daughters that the day they see me in flats is the day they should throw dirt on me, because I’m done.

Best shoe related quote: “Those shoes are just too Cha-Cha for words.” (From Steel Magnolias)

Best reason to be a girl: The assortment of shoe choices, of course. I couldn’t be a man because their shoes are so plain, not to mention blah—also boring.

Why shoes are magic: Because you can tap them together three times and cool stuff happens.

The smartest reason to have lots of shoes: So you can justify having lots of clothes to make “outfits” inspired by all the shoes you own.

Shoes that had the most influence on me: Those white Go-Go boots from the sixties that were the coolest, hippest fashion statement ever created by the hand of fashion designers in any time period, and I’m including those saber tooth tiger boots that every one was into in the ice age.

Why I never feel guilty buying shoes: Think of all the jobs I’m providing all those former Viet Cong, Koreans, and Chinese. I’m feeding the peoples of the world and looking too Cha-Cha for words all at the same time. It’s win-win.

Linda (Don't Tread on Me) Zern

Weekend Tide

Monday is cleanup day. The day I dig out from under the party-down fun of the weekend. Because it’s the only day of the week I enjoy a small measure of control over my universe, Monday is important to me.

It’s also the day I find leftover weekend party favors, strange, eclectic, odds and ends tucked under couch cushions and floating in bathroom . . . sinks. I find sticks and stones and toads in Rubbermaid bowls and wads of flowers wrapped in banana leaves and rubber bands and pirate eye patches and sippy cups and whoopee cushions.

And binkies. Lots and many binkies.

I pile everything up and sort through it.

The rocks go back to the garden.  Sticks to the fire pit. Toads back to their mommies.  The flowers go into glass vases where they’ll dissolve in tiny showers of pollen and petals. The sippy cups and binkies get stuffed back into kitchen cabinets for emergencies and next weekend and the next, when the toddler tide will drag it all back inside and dump it on the shoreline of my house—again.

On Monday I throw it all right back into the ocean, and the next Monday and every Monday from now until the day that I won’t find a single stick or stone or toad.

And on that day, I’ll sweep, mop, vacuum, dust, and wish for pirate eye patches and whoopee cushions.