A Semi-Annual, Once in a While, End of the Year Inventory and Personal Disclaimer

A Semi-Annual,

Once in a While,

End of the Year Inventory and Personal Disclaimer

I was born feet first, making me one of the last breach babies delivered the old-fashioned way, feet first. My mother was happy to tell me that in some primitive cultures I would have been left on a slab of granite and fed to the dingoes. It gave me an unnatural fear of kitchen counters and other flat surfaces.

My mother smoked while she was pregnant with me on the advice of her doctor. And that fact gave me a healthy skepticism of fads, popular opinion, and common knowledge. Weren’t lobotomies all the scientific rage at one time?

Some of the things important for you to know about me are:

1.     I seriously don’t care if you want to dress up like a blue pony and whinny at the neighbors. Seriously.

2.     I’m short. I have endured songs in popular culture deriding my shortness, people patting me on the head like a cocker spaniel, and sleeves that are always three inches too long.

3.     I’m an author. I have published books. I was a writer, which is a person that writes a lot of stuff: grocery lists, journal entries, emails, etc, but now I am an author. And that’s different.

4.     You should know that I am a conservative. I have sixteen grandchildren. I cannot afford to have one or any of them living in my garage, smoking dope for a living.

5.     My dog is old. She and I have the same hair color. Watching her become decrepit is like watching myself die.

6.     I’ve been married to the same man for forty-one years. We’ve listened to each other tell the same jokes and stories for forty-one years, and yet we still listen. That my friends is love.

7.     I am religious. I find it’s always good to know which of the ten commandments people object to most, because then I’ll know whether to hide my husband or my purse.

8.     Words come easily. Numbers come almost not at all, or as I like to say that I have a hole in my head where the numbers should be.

9.     Horses are my favorite animal because you can’t ride on dogs.

10.  I’ve been going to college for twenty years and with any luck I will never graduate.

11.  I want them to write on my tombstone: She taught her children to read.

12.  When the grandchildren come to stay they say that we live on a farm and that our house is full of “back-then” stuff.

13.  One of my favorite children’s book is “Mistress Masham’s Repose” by T. H. White. From the blurb:  “Think to yourself, truly: would you return a live one-inch baby to its relatives, if caught fairly in the open field?”

14.  The best movie of all time is Strictly Ballroom because “A life lived in fear is a life half lived.”

15.  I write fiction which is non-fiction without the non, so be warned that not everything you read is true or non, but it doesn’t have to be if it’s fiction.

16.  And so I disclaim, once again.

Linda (Scribble On) Zern

THE SONG OF ZERN - 2019

1.     Now it came to pass in the days when many toddlers ruleth, there was no dearth in the land, for it had brought forth blessings in abundance. And a certain man of Saint Cloud-le-hem, even one Sherwood, once of Oviedo and all his tribe, did continue to camp in the land round about that city, near the Lake of much bass and air boats.

2.     And this people did build a patio of much bricks made of mud and straw, and seeing the building thereof, they did rejoice and invite-eth many to make merry upon the patio of mud and straw. And they did make merry, they and all those that did come to rejoice.

3.     And the name of the man’s wife was Linda and she did write much of her people’s doings both with mirth and much laughter, also making stories of her own imaginings, which being called fiction she did publish in abundance on a place, it being called Amazon.

4.     And their tribe did increase. Wherefore some did journey forth out of the land of much bass and air boats, both to Texas and to Ohio to bring forth their own righteous purposes.

5.     The Lorances did tarry in Texas, their father even T. J. once of Titusville, going forth to the oil rig to work. And he did telleth the youngest of them, even Boone, that should he not be good whilst his father worketh; he, that is to say Boone, would go forth to the rig to becometh a rig baby.

6.     Boone then sayeth, “Nay. Nay. I want not to be a rig baby.” And Boone’s sisters did laugh much at the jest.

7.     To the north, the Zerns of Ohio, did delight in the goodness of the land as Aric and Silas brought forth both pumpkins and tomatoes and cabbage and cucumbers until his goodly wife, Lauren, didest say, no more, for our cupboards be full. And Silas did ask his mother to go forth to see “the guns, the goats, and the boys” in Saint Cloud-le-hem. And she did sorrow to explain that this would be a trip requiring many days and much planning.

8.     So the Stahles brought forth their youngest son and calleth him Ender after the character in a book of like name.

9.     And the other sons did play much upon a hill of sand at the abode of the Poppy and the YaYa, bringing forth from the ground much and varied creations made of trash; forts and bases and castles and kingdoms. Then Kip did make report that he and the others, being the many children found upon the hill of sand, did “dig and dig and dig, until they could not dig anymore.”

10.  At present, the sand hill fort boasteth both a cannon and a moat. And the children doth count the minutes and the days that Poppy should come forth and play “Monster,” it being a game of hide and seek in the dark of night that oft doth leave the Poppy breathless and with leg crampage.

11.  The Zerns, Adam and Sarah and their four daughters, which did abide in the land round about Saint Cloud-le-hem adopted for their tent a dog, his name being Rowdy. He being a retired racing dog from the land of the east, being both tall and skinny.

12.  And the tribe did continueth in this way, worshipping their God both in word and deed as they brought forth many to their Sunday dinner table to both eat of the good of the land and to talk over the many strange and curious happenings of these the last days.

13.  And all these were the doings of our tribe in the land southward as we did scratch our heads and wonder aloud what God must think of the silliness that the world embraceth when left to itself. And with eagerness we did look forward to the drama and challenge and excitement of the year which is to come, even 2020. And I make an end. Amen.

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