Book of Zern - 2020

1. And there did commence a great plague in that selfsame year, that did spread forth throughout the land, first coming to Santa Clara county in the land westward, even California, arriving there from those strangers that did travel much, back and forth, from the mysterious land of China.

2. And it came to pass, that Sherwood, even the patriarch of our tribe, did find himself in the land of San Francisco in the beginning of that selfsame great year of the plague, even 2020, having traveled far to work and wander about the wilderness of the Oracle cafeteria werein he wore no mask or gloves or had knowledge of the afore mentioned danger.

3. Thus he did bring forth a wicked cough.

4. Which he carried back to our tribe. He did inquire of his physician about this most annoying of coughs, being told that he dideth have but a virus and to go home and live. 

 5. And thus he did live.

6. But then the plague did wax sore in our home, making me think that I had a most unusual cold that dideth linger for weeks upon weeks, and not knowing that I shouldest give up all hope, I did eat much of Cuban chicken soup brought forth by a loving ministering angel that dideth cause my recovery. And I did give thanks and live.

 7. And then the plague did continue sore throughout all the land and men’s hearts did fail them in all manner of ways.

8. Yet our tribe did continue to live; to mourn with those that mourn; and to pray for those whose hearts did faileth them; especially when the paper used much in the potty did disappear from all corners of the land.

 9. And Aric, even the eldest, did go forth, he and his family, from the land of many seasons to settle southward in the land of bridges and beaches, there to finish his twenty years serving both his country and kith and kin. He made much of his chances and sought to finish both his education and his career.

 10. In the year of the plague, the Stahles did continue in their way of homeschooling, working from home, and walking much through the land wherein they did dwell. And their eldest did practice much of driving and their youngest continue to toddle forth his diapers being full. And their mother did continue teaching the children of her people the joy of dancing in a barn.

11. But it was the Lorance family that did seek to prosper in the land westward, even Texas, having moved to a larger dwelling and acquired a dog that dideth ingest much of socks and Barbie doll clothing; seeking truth both by learning and by study.

12. And the youngest, even Adam of the tribe Zern, did find his habitation also in the central plains of the land known as the land of flowers, even Florida. He sought much education and his wife did edit much of my works, school her children in the art of living, and continue to improve both hearth and home.

13. And thus we see that living was not ended in the year of the plague but didest continue with the help of both the spirit of discernment and the spirit of faith, hope, and charity.

14. And so I make an end. Wishing many and every that they might find their way as pleasant as we do find our way.         

How to Review Stuff

 Authors and soap makers constantly need reviews and critiques. They need people to read their books or wash with their soap, and then they need those readers/washers to write down and post what they thought of the book or sudsy soap in a public place like Amazon.com. 

If a writer can get enough readers to rate and review their book on a single special day, the list maker fairies will sit up and take notice. 

“Hey,” the list maker fairies will shout, “Look here! Someone who knows how to post on Amazon has read this book. To the cool book list.” 

And then other people see the cool book list and say, “Hey, what’s happening here? I want to be cool too and read that book.”

I don’t know if it’s the same for soap people. I guess it is: soap, suds, rinse, repeat . . . write a review. 

It’s possible to review everything from coal tar soap to goat halters on Amazon.com. It can be a lot of fun to say stuff about goat halters.

In the interest of encouraging more reviewing of everything from goat halters to fire starters to gummy calcium chews to my newest book, The Apocalypse:
Triple Threat Plus One, soon to be launched and thrown into the happy winds of the book judging public, I’m writing this checklist, “How to Review Anything.” 

#1. Go with saying something nice if you can and be specific! Find one to three positive things to say about the soap: nice packaging, good heft, quick delivery. Or about a book: excellent title; snapping dialogue; I wet my pants over the ending. Or about the gummy calcium chews: tasty, gummy, fruity—not chalky at all. 

#2. Sometimes a quick description is helpful. Like: “The soap comes in a nice thick black bar and smells like coal tar, but it cleans like Windex for skin.”

#3. Constructive criticism is a fine art. Comparing a book to whale dung is neither helpful nor constructive. Extending the criticism to compare a book to the stuff under whale dung isn’t helpful, nor constructive, or enlightening. How does a writer improve from the stuff under whale dung to actual whale dung? There’s no path to a better way. 

#4. Be constructive. Try starting the beginning of a review with an upbeat observation. For example: “While I enjoyed the strong bones the calcium gummies might give me, the chalk-like texture and flavor which cause my tongue to cleave to the roof of my mouth prohibit me from giving this my highest rating.” 

#5. If you must be scathing and sometimes you must . . . be brief. All that should be said at times like those, “Yikes.” 

#6. Actually, it’s the rule of threes. Find three strengths or likeable aspects and comment then follow that with three areas that could be improved upon. It’s rarely that there isn’t something happy to say or suggest, although I’ll confess I’ve critiqued papers that I’ve struggled with a bit. Don’t underestimate the importance of creative writing.

I learned how to review some real stinkers as a mom with teenagers because there were days it was tough to find something—anything—positive to say about kids who rolled their eyes at me so hard I could heard it. I have been known to say to my grumpy, hostile teenaged offspring, “Hey, no one can breathe in or breathe out like you do, kiddo. I was just hoping you might take this pickaxe and clean that fungus bloom out from under your bed.”

If I were reviewing this posting I would start by saying to myself, “Nice use of the word yikes and chalk-like. The numbers are in the right order. I like the juxtaposition of soap, books, and goat halters.” 

And then I would add these questions to the review, One) Dear Linda, name names: Which kids? Do eye rolls make a sound? Any smells you’d like to include in your story? Two) Is everything a joke with you? Get serious once in a while—or not. Three) Try using more dashes. I like them. 

And that’s how to review stuff.

Linda (Five Stars) Zern 

Pelican Pouch or Dewlap?

 I am getting older and no part of me is getting younger.

Just ask Conner. He is nine years old and my grandson. His skin is pristine and without wrinkle. His eyes are keen. His powers of observation are laser-like.

I have forbidden him to look at me—for the rest of my natural life.

This weekend I caught him staring. I always know when he’s going to comment on some unfortunate aspect of my advancing decrepitude. He shuts his mouth. And he quits blinking. 

Sure enough.

“YaYa,” he began. 

“What, Conner?” I said, girding up my wrinkled forehead.

“You know what you could be for Halloween?”

No good could come of this, but I asked anyway. “Oh good grief! What? What could I be for Halloween?”

He leaned over, pinched the fat under my chin and said, “You could be a frog or a lizard. You know, one of those lizards with that flapping thing under their chin.”

“A dewlap? Are you saying that I could be a lizard with a dewlap for Halloween?”

He smiled a cherubic smile. “Yes.”

I sighed. “I was thinking more of a pelican with a pouch.”

His smile widened; his dimples flashed; his eyes twinkled. I searched his profile for a hint of a gene-induced double chin. Nothing.

Getting old is making me crazy. I thought I would be better at it or not care so much! But wow! It’s the worst and not because it limits your Halloween costume choices.

Stuff is starting to break, hang, and quit outright, all over the place. 

And if Conner isn’t happily reminding me about my dewlap trouble, it’s the television telling me that my ears are shot. 

Tinnitus. Ringing in my ears. I have it. I don’t know when I got it, but now I have it. The television commercial said that I might get tinnitus, and then I got it, which means that I got it from the television . . . or from Conner, telling me that I should be a frog for Halloween. Either way, it stinks.

Linda (Croak-Croak) Zern