Wednesday, January 23, 2019

The Next Epistle of Saint Zern




1  

1      And they did continue to dwell among the eagles and racoons in the land of Florida Central, having fought the good fight against the state taxation found in the land of Carolina in the north country, finding it grievous. And they did rejoice in a land both warm and cheap.
2       And thus, we see that Sherwood and Linda did endeavor to live as goodly parents and doting grandparents in the land with no state income tax.
3       And it was done with good intent, whilst they did binge on Netflix and the like.
4      Furthermore, it was with great happiness that they did, in the year of our Lord, 2018, count among their greatest gifts and blessings the children that they did count as grand. And Phillip and Heather begat Zoe and Conner and Kipling and Zachary and Griffin and even one more, Ender. His name being that of a character in a most excellent book.
5      Maren and Thomas begat Reagan and Hero and Leidy and Boone the Baby pants.
6      To them also did Adam and Sarah count Emma and Sadie and Scout and the youngest of them, Ever Jane, who did vex many with her dislike of the chamber pot; however, much she did smile and show forth much spunkiness.
7       And in the land northward, a land of much snow and cucumbers, they did see Aric and Lauren bring forth both Silas and Ellie.
8       And it was like a tribe of old that did grow and prosper and become both fair and delightsome.
9      And so, there was the giving of great thanks.
10    And the honor was Poppy’s, who was both adored and admired by the children he found grand and who did arrive daily asking, where doth Poppy dwell and is there Pepsi and candy?
11    But behold, YaYa did impose the rule of law, and receiveth much in the way of deathly looks and muttered curses, but she doth continue to hold high the standards of truth and meanness.
12   But it came to pass that YaYa did both rule and reign and bring forth collections of her words, arranged in blocks called paragraphs, numbered on pages, bound up in books called novels. And she did continue forth writing much, yea even a great number of volumes which can be found at a place called amazon.com/author/lindazern 
13   And now, it came to pass in the fortieth year of their being wedded that Sherwood and Linda did continue in this vein, sitting much in the afternoon and evening gathered about a pot of fire recounting the days of their youth and silliness. And they did laugh much at the memories and silliness.
14   And they caused that their family did stand in readiness, lest they be caught flat of foot in the last days. 
15   And I make an end.     

Monday, December 10, 2018

Relax, Your Government is Keeping You Safe From Crotch Metal



Flew to Ohio. Flew back from Ohio. Got strip searched in Ohio.
Okay, maybe not all the way naked, but it was close.
It was a lovely little family trip to experience a baby’s blessing and naming ceremony. You know, one of those delightful days that make all the other days—worth it.
This delightful day happened in Ohio. We don’t live in Ohio. We have to fly to Ohio from Florida to experience this delightfulness. We could drive, but we’d rather ride Florida alligators in public without pants.
On the way back from Ohio, in the Dayton airport, we were shuffled into the regular person line by TSA. Usually, we get to go through the pre-check line because our Poppy is a travel diva who doesn’t have to be a “regular” person due to excessive perks.
What I learned being a regular person:
The fancy, expensive, taxpayer funded scanner machine is easy to confuse. I confused it with plastic sparkles on my sweater, which it detected as plane exploding metal. The next thing I know a TSA-stranger-lady is asking me if I would like to go in a private place to have my breasts touched.
Tempting! But no. I turned my head and said, “Get it over with.” TSA-stranger-lady patted down my confusing plastic sparkles and then moved on to my chubby thighs. I said, “Hey, there aren’t any sparkles down there.”
It’s possible TSA-stranger-lady did not care.
She waved me through after checking my hands for powdered sugar. (That was a near thing. I had some dreamy chocolate covered strawberries at my daughter-in-law’s house.)
Shaken, I straightened my sparkles, looked over my shoulder, and saw my seven-month pregnant daughter having her crotchal area checked for metallic objects. TSA-stranger-lady had my daughter’s shirt pulled up to Heather’s nipple region and was running her hands over my sixteenth grandchild. Heather started to cry.
That’s when I yelled, “Cry, Baby! Cry! You cry right now!”
Stripped of her dignity and Ugg boots (made in Australia and purchased by the above-mentioned travel diva) Heather tried to put her footwear back on after the TSA-stranger-lady got through with her and went to smoke a cigarette, but the pregnant chick couldn’t bend that far, so Conner, her twelve-year old, steered her to a plastic airport chair and put the boots back on his mother’s feet.
“Mom,” she sniffled, “the machine thought I had metal in my crotch.”
“It’s broken. Let’s go home.”
So, at this fine season of peace on earth, good will to us, please be advised your government is working hard to keep you safe from my plastic chest sparkles and the pregnant chick’s crotch metal.
Merry Christmas,
Linda (You Missed a Spot) Zern







Tuesday, November 20, 2018


DON ARGO AWARD WINNING LITERATURE
When readers read, writers rejoice. Thanks Red-headed Book Lover for the great review!!!
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