We have four horses—not quite a herd but more than a clump.
We feed them. We brush them. We ride them. We move their poop around.
We do not treat them like long
lost relatives or really tall humans.
We treat them like horses. The horses prefer this, which
many folks—who have only seen horses acting in the movies, or have heard about
horses on Twitter—find confusing.
A horse owner I know had a neighbor call to complain about
my friend’s horses. It seems they were outside—in the rain—getting wet.
It’s hard to know what to say to this kind of silly, stupi .
. . er . . . um . . . it’s hard to know what to say. So in the interest of education and knowledge, which is the
solution to all modern ills, spills, and trouble, here’s a short tutorial.
Horses are outside animals. Keeping a horse in the kitchen is problematic because when
they get stuck between the refrigerator and the sink they tend to kick your
house down.
Horses are wolf food, thus their talent for kicking. Thousands of years of being hunted and
eaten by toothy mountain monsters helped the horse evolve a certain “wait and
see” attitude. Is that a butterfly or a saber-toothed butterfly? And since I am
prey should I run away now or later?
Horses feel better when surrounded by other horses. They’re
like teenage girls; they always go to the toilet in a clump.
Horses like tyranny. Equality does not exist in horse world.
They want someone at the top who bites their butts and kicks their faces. That
way when the saber-toothed butterflies show up, someone is always the boss and
responsible for yelling, “Stampede.”
It’s called a pecking order. Alpha horses peck first and so
it goes down the line. Tyranny means order, and if you’re a horse order means
safety and safety makes you feel better. (Note: Humans who respond to tyranny in this way have essentially
become prey animals and should prepare to get pecked or eaten.)
Horses should not be ridden in short shorts and halter-tops.
That’s just a personal fashion opinion and not really a horse fact.
Horses are one thousand pound vegetarians, which requires
them to eat grass, grain, and hay ALL DAY LONG. Think about it!
When mommy horses want to discipline their rebellious baby
horses they chase them and chase them until their babies can’t breathe or until
they cry, “Uncle!” and apologize. Baby horses apologize by licking their lips,
paying attention, and following. Young horses are not allowed to be idiots.
(Horses could teach humans a thing or two about parenting.)
Horses are among the most noble and glorious creatures
created by the hand of God, and when the Savior of the world returns he’ll be
riding a white horse. I read that
somewhere. I find that image very appealing.
When our son-in-law saw one of our horses rolling around on
the ground he thought it was dying. He’d never seen a horse take a dirt bath
before. Our son-in-law is from Bountiful, Utah. Enough said.
Let’s recap. Horses are not tall humans. Horses are
beautiful. Europeans eat horsemeat, thus making them horse eating predators or
saber-toothed barbarians.
Linda (Tally Ho) Zern
